Amen

Bonjour Y'all,

Since I am not too mobile, you will get Funnies this week end....

You want them, you'll get them, you don't ? you will get them anyway....

Thoughts for the day;

The free man is he who does not fear to go to the end of his thought.
- Leon Blum

Our own heart, and not other men's opinion, form our true honor.
- Samuel Coleridge

The bitterest tears shed over graves
are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.
- Christopher Crowfield

Have a good week end.

Michel.. the one-legged bandit....

(No they did not cut my leg off... I am just trying to get off my hurting leg)

Amen !!!!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

All Purpose Excuse Form

All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten in. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!

Dear:

a) Mom b) Dad c) love of my life d) Assistant Principal e) Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a) Car b) House c) Pet d) Espresso maker e) Left arm

was severely damaged by my

a) infantile b) puerile c) inept d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic e) woefully under appreciated

prank.

How could I have known that the

a) car b) jet ski c) large helium balloon d) rodent driven sledge e) Zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your

a) house b) wife c) Cub Scout troop d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to

a) imagine b) fathom c) comprehend d) appreciate e) pay for,

and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to

a) hate me b) sue me c) spank me d) take my firstborn e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,

but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at

a) school b) work c) church d) the bowling alley e) the municipal jail,

and to remember that I am first and foremost your

a) friend b) child c) sibling d) lease co-signer e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that a) was so stupid b) was so silly c) would have been funny if it worked d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first e) I'm going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,

Me.

Dear PETA

If hooking a car battery up to a monkey is part of research to try to extend human life, I have two things to say:

black is positive and red is negative.

Good Girls and Bad Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls

Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it

Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do to, but only for starters

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?

Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.

I got a new Doctor...

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.

Oy Vey

(sorry for the spelling, my French-Yeddish is not up to par)

Q. Hear about the enterprising rabbi that's offering circumcision via the Internet?
A. The service is called E-MOIL.

The Perfect Day According to.....

HER

8:45   Wake up to hugs & kisses
9:00   5 pounds lighter on the scales
9:30   Light breakfast
11:00   Sunbathe
12:00   Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:30   Shopping
2:30   Run into boyfriend's ex, notice she's gained thirty pounds
3:00   Facial, massage and nap
5:30   Talk with mom on the phone for an hour
7:30   Candlelit dinner for two and dancing
10:00   Make love
11:00   Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM

10:00   Wake up
10:02   Oral Sex
10:45   Big breakfast
11:30   Drive in Ferrari with gorgeous blonde
2:15   Enormous lunch
3:00   Oral Sex
3:30   Play sport with the guys
4:00   Drink beer with the guys
6:00   Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:10   Oral Sex
8:00   Huge dinner, more beer
11:00   Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11:30   Watch late game from the West Coast

Oy Vey... see above

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking: Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before an answer I give him."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from.

Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car... a limousine even, uniformed chauffer and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner...Marvelous dinner. Kosher even. Then ve go se a show.... let me tell you Sadie,I enjoyed it so much I could just PLOTZ!

So then we are coming back to my apartment, an into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me!"

Sadie: "Oy vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you do, you should wear a shmatta." (rags)

Celebrity License Plates

1HIT1DER -- Ricky Martin
NU CLEVGE -- Britney Spears
20K LAID -- Wilt Chamberlain
JAILBTCH -- Robert Downey, Jr.
HAD MILK -- Pamela Anderson Lee
OUTOFST8 -- Hillary Rodham Clinton
C MY BRA -- Brandi Chastain
IM STR8 -- Tom Cruise
K8ODIDIT -- O.J. Simpson
PEN IS -- John Bobbitt
VOAT4ME -- Dan Quayle

LATE FOR MASS

A catholic lady never missed church was late on Sunday morning. She was wearing a very long dress. As she ran up the steps she fell and ripped
her dress all the way up to her shoulders. About that time a young boy came out of church and the lady said, "Sonny is mass out?"

He said, "no but your hat is on crooked."

Hummm!!!

** It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

** Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

** The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

** It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

** You can't have everything, where would you put it?

** The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

** Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

** As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

** A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

** Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

** I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

** I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

** When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

** Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Difference Between Football in the North and South

STADIUM SIZE:
Up North: College football stadiums hold 20,000.
Down South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000.

FATHERS:
Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath.
Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

ATTIRE:
Up North: Male and female alike: wooly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans.
Down South: Male - press khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers.
Female -ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford.

WOMEN'S STASH:
Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.
Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara(water-proof),concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary, that's
what dates are for.

ALUMNI:
NORTH: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.
South: Take prospects on fishing trip so they don't leave for the NFL their senior year.

CAMPUS DECOR:
Up North: Status of founding fathers.
Down South: Status of Heisman Trophy winners.

HOMECOMING QUEEN:
Up North: Also a Physics Major
Down South: Also Miss USA.

HEROES:
Up North: Mario Cuomo
Down South: "Bear" Bryant

GETTING TICKETS:
Up North: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.

Down South: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still replaced on the waiting list for tickets.

FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME:
Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.
Down south: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don't want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday.

PARKING:
Up North: An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game parking.
Down South: RV's sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.

GAME DAY:
Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is Broadcasting on Game Day "live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why game day is never broadcast from their campus.

TAILGATING:
Up North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn.

Cooking accompanied by live performance by Hootie and The Blowfish", who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon.

GETTING TO THE STADIUM
Up North: You ask "Where's the stadium?". When you find it, you walk Right in with no line.
Down South: When your near it, you'll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state's third largest city.

CONCESSIONS:
Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.
Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot. Filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.

WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
Up North: Stands are less than half full.
Down South: 100,000 fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.

THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE:
Up North: Nothing Changes!
Down South: Fireworks with a twist of bourbon.

COMMENTARY (MALE):
Up North: "Nice Play."
Down South: "Dammit you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!!"

COMMENTARY (FEMALE):
Up North: "My, this is a violent sport."
Down South: "Dammit you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his Legs!!!"

ANNOUNCERS:
Up North: Paid.
Down South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
AFTER THE GAME:
Up North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next
year's party.

OK Enough for one time...

Michel