AOL

Ah, yes, "Divorce", from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
- Robin Williams

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the
longest sentence?

The AOL Car

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH
speedometer.

2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape
player.

3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and
try again later.

4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from
seeing better cars.

5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW
model.

6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no
apparent reason.

7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a
pretty colors and lights.

8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for
family members.

9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make
payments for 6 months.

10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car
off of them.

11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to
other AOL car cell phones.

12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near
other car dealerships.

13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars
stall just for fun.

15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave
worse mileage.

17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder,
M/F/age?

18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another
AOL car owner.

19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they
really are.

20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other
cars have them.

21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor as a posh suburban
girl's junior college, said during class,

"Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the
human body, which under the appropriate conditions,
expands to six times its normal size, and define the
conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins,
I do not think that is a proper question to ask me.
I assure you my parents will hear of this."

With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and
asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the
eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe,
I have three things to say to you. One, you have not
studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind.
And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful
disappointment."

Things A Man Should Know By 40

- The difference between love and lust.
- How to change a tire, a diaper, and a woman's mind.
- When to hold on and when to let go.
- Basic carpentry, plumbing and automotive repair.
- Advanced foreplay.
- Trouble when he sees it.
- True love when he feels it.
- A load of bull when he hears it.
- The symptoms of PMS and how to deal with them.
- How to fast-talk and slow-dance.
- The art of seduction.
- That his wife (lover, girlfriend) is not his mother.
- A woman's erogenous zones.
- How to negotiate the inevitable compromises of a romantic relationship
in ways that keep both sides as happy as possible.
- Which medical tests he needs and when to get them.
- How to make money, dinner, conversation, and love.
- His own needs and another person's ability to fulfill them.
- Where to get breakfast/gas/a prescription filled at 2 am.
- How to give a toast and take a compliment.
- When to talk and when to listen.
- His way around a kitchen.
- The futility of unrequited love.
- The ecstasy of unconditional love.
- How to open a bottle of champagne.
- How to close a deal.
- The magic of a woman.

Bumper stickers

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

The Earth Is Full - Go Home

I Have The Body Of A God......Buddha

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

If Progress Means To Move Forward What Does Congress Mean?

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Politics - From The Words "Poly," Meaning "Many," And "Ticks," As In
"Small, Bloodsucking Parasites"

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

He Who Dies With The Most Toys...Still Dies

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Illiterate? Write For Help

Honk If Anything Falls Off

Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

Dyslexics Of The World - Untie!

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

And FinallyT

Do you know the one about rules for beer drinkers ?

: Here it is, folks! Your official guide for dealing with that pesky
: beverage everyone loves. Well...most of us do!
: ===============================
: SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
: FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
: ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
:
: SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
: FAULT: You have fallen forward.
: ACTION: See above.
:
: SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
: FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
: ACTION: Retire to rest room, practice in mirror.
:
: SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
: FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
: ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
:
: SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
: FAULT: Improper bladder control.
: ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training.
:
: SYMPTOM: Floor blurred
: FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
: ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
:
: SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
: FAULT: You are being carried out.
: ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
:
: SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
: FAULT: Bar has closed.
: ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
:
: SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
: FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
: ACTION: Cover mouth next time.

...

          The Top 12 Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans

12> No Penis = No Problems

11> Bitchy?!? You ain't seen NOTHING yet!

10> I Won't Screw *You*, Either

9> Help Wanted: Male interns

8> Hey, you'd run, too, if *you* were Bill Clinton's wife.

7> Hillary for Senate: Because Bubba's Alimony Just Ain't
    Gonna Cut It

6> As Portrayed By Emma Thompson!

5> Building a Bridge Away From My Husband

4> C'mon -- Just to Spite Ken Starr

3> Keeping It In My Pants Since 1973!

2> Well *I* Certainly Never Had Sex With That Woman,
    Miss Lewinsky

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogan...

1> I Got Your Senate Candidate Right Here!

Q. What is the difference between 69 and driving in the fog?
A. When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of
you.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

- It's cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

And the man replied "No, but it can pick up dates."