Barbie and Ken

A small bloke is in the pub toilet having a piss when the door to the bog opens. In walks a very large, very muscular guy. This guy proceeds to pull down his pants, revealing a very large cock.

To the small man's amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his cock into the sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and water everywhere. Next, the muscular man growls louder and slams his cock into one of the stalls, making the whole thing collapses. Then he slams is cock into the walls of the room, knocking a very large hole in it.

The muscular man approaches the scared small bloke having a piss. hey, pal, do you see this very large, very strong cock ? ER, yes? replies the little bloke.

Do you know what I’m gonna do with this very large, very strong cock?

No I'm afraid I don't. says the little bloke

I'm going to shove it up your ass !!! exclaims the big muscular guy.

Jesus, that's a relief, replies the little guy, I thought you were going to hit me with it!

Hi Dad !!!!

If you were born before 1945 your are a survivor. Just think about all the changes that you have seen in your lifetime.

You were born before television, before penicillin, before polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees, and ‘the pill’.

You were before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams, and ballpoint pens.

You were before pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip dry clothes, and before man walked on the moon.

You got married first and then lived together. Closets were for clothes, not for coming out of. Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits were not Volkswagens.

Designer jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeanne and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Fast food was what you ate during lent and outer space was the back of the movie theater. Made in Japan meant junk and the term making out referred to how you did on an exam.

Pizza, McDonalds and instant coffee were unheard of.

You were before house husbands, gay rights, computer dating, dual careers, group therapy, and nursing homes.

Before 1945, you never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yogurt, and guys wearing earrings.

You certainly were not before the difference between the sexes was discovered, but you were before the sex change - you made do with what you had and you were the last generation to think you needed a husband to have a baby.

Time sharing meant togetherness, not computers or condominiums. A chip meant a piece of wood, hardware meant hardware and software wasn’t even a word.

You hit the scene when five and ten cent stores sold things for five and ten cents.

For a nickel you could buy an ice cream cone, ride a streetcar, make a phone call, buy a coke or enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy coupe for $600 but who could afford one, a pity too because gas was only 11 cents a gallon!

In your day cigarette smoking was fashionable. Grass was mowed, coke was a cold drink. Pot was something you cooked in, rock music was a Grandma’s lullaby and aids were helpers in the principals office.

Barbie's letter to Santa:

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What boneheads at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite 3. A REAL man... maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec.

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips;

9. "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

10. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

11. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it. OK, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie

REBUTTAL FROM KEN

Ken's Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy DO NOT have a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of work Actor Ken" ? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken" "Circuit Ken" "Bear Ken" "Master Ken"

These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action being taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine. Clothes make the man.

Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Sincerely,

Ken

Sleeping Beauty

By the time a sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,'

and he sat up all night watching me."

SIGNS TO MAKE YOU SMILE

SIGN SEEN IN THE WINDOW OF A TRAVEL AGENCY:

"Please go away."

SIGN SEEN IN THE WINDOW OF A HEALTH FOOD STORE:

"Closed due to illness."

"Be back in five minutes. Sit. Stay."

SIGN SEEN ON A SECRETARY'S DESK #1:

"If you'll just state your business and go away quietly, no one will get hurt."

SIGN SEEN ON A SECRETARY'S DESK #2:

"Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."

He must have been French!!!! hahahaha

This guy was taking a course in human sexuality. The instructor was going through various things in the Kinsey report, and the class members gasped audibly when she read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.

A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?".

A female voice followed with, "The hell with that...who was *HE*?"

~~~ Family Stress Test ~~~

How to score: 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

1. ___ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

2. ___ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

3. ___ The cat is on Valium.

4. ___ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

5. ___ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.

6. ___ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

7. ___ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners.

8. ___ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

9. ___ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

10.___ No-Doze gives you bulk rates.

How you rate:

30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!

20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up.

10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?

0- 9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway?

A Jew-Well...

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10."

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

"So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

WHAT MEN SHOULDN'T SAY AFTER SEX

1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"

4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"

5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"

6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"

7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better blow jobs!"

9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is ?"

11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."

12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"

14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !"

16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately-------"

17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave ?"

18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

Of course they loved you!!!!

"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action.

They rented out my room." - Woody Allen

A COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE

~ Never squat with your spurs on!

~ Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

~ There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

~ Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think.

~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

~ Never ask a man the size of his spread.

~ After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

~ If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

~ Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

~ Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

~ Always drink upstream from the herd.

~ Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

~ If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.

~ Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

~ Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Yes Mam....

A teacher was helping her student with a math problem. She recited the following story : "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"

The boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.

"No, no, no. Let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"

"None," the boy says with authority. The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."

"It's simple," says the boy, "after the hunter shot one bird, he scared the other two away."

"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."

"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked innocently.

The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.

"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking the popsicle, one is biting, and one is sucking. Which one is married?"

"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied," the one who's sucking?"

"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think!

Top Ten Signs That Your Life Is About To Change

10. You hear that your dentist has been arrested for using radioactive material as tooth-filling.

9. The bank notifies you that your paycheck has bounced.

8. Your twelve year old daughter suddenly develops a craving for pickles and ice cream.

7. You arrive at your wedding to find, two ushers, four bridesmaids, and six pallbearers.

6. You ask your doctor for a physical and he replys " I'm sorry, I dont do autopsies".

5. The IRS invites you to a weenie-roast and the invitation begins with "Dear Weenie..".

6. While surfing the internet, you suddenly get the following diaglogue box: "ICBM launch successful. Confirm strike ? (Y/N) ".

4. During your commercial flight, the pilot unexpectedly mumbles something in arabic and immediately all the stewardesses begin waving machine guns.

3. While watching the news, you spot your husband marching in a Gay Pride parade.

2. At the vacant house next door, you notice a U-haul van and a truck which looks very similiar to the one on the Beverly Hillbillies.

1. You receive an invitation from the Oval Office to "chew the fat".