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9/21/98
Bonjour Y'all...
I hope you had a good week end...
Thought of the day;
Tact is the art of making guests feel at home
when that's really where you wish they were.
- George E. Bergman
Have a good day
MICHEL
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Pheeeew, I am sooooo tired...
A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his
class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class,
and that there are only two acceptable excuses for being late, those that are were
medically
certifiable illnesses or death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass student in
the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up.
"But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally
settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
"Well," he responded, "You'll just have to learn to write with your
other hand."
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Whoooops!!!
The VP of a large company calls home to tell his wife about the large deal they closed.
A strange woman answers. The man says, "Who is this?!?" "This is the
maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired
this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm .... she's upstairs."
"May I talk to her, please?"
"Well, sir, she's in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her
husband."
The guy is fuming. Then in a moment he will live to regret, he says to the maid,
"Listen, how would you like to make $100,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk
she is with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid
comes back to the phone.
"What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here!"
Long pause...
"Uh .... is this 832-4821?"
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Lying About the Minister
Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist
minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon,
he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!" The crowd fell
into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has
been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Ku Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not
true!
I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here before my flock
of loyal followers."
Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded, "Preacher, please, I don't know how
this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard
under the sheets."
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Top Ten Suggestions for Guys While Playing Golf and/or Taking a Leak in a
Public Bathroom
10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anyone.
4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
3. Don't stand directly in front of others.
2. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
1. Don't take extra strokes.
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Yuck...
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
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Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
A: S&M&M
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Leroy is a 20-year-old 9th grader. This is Leroy's homework
assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
1. Foreclose - If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money foreclose.
2. Rectum - I had two cadillacs, but my ol'lady rectum.
3. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs and the hotel everybody.
4. Axe - The policeman wanted to axe me some questions.
5. Disappointment - My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment then they gonna send
me back to da big house.
6. Penis - I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis.
7. Israel - Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex. I said, man that looks fake. He said bullshit
that watch Israel.
8. Catacomb - Don King was at the fight the other night, man somebody oughta give dat
catacomb.
9. Undermine - There is a fine lookin hoe living in the apartment undermine.
10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to da pool hall.
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The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
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Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
A. Money.
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REVENGE OF THE BLONDES
Why do brunettes like their dark hair color ?
It doesn't show the dirt.
Who makes all the bras for brunettes ?
Fisher-Price
Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes ?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable
Why are most brunettes flat-chested ?
It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts
Why are brunettes so proud of their hair ?
It matches their mustache
Why is the color brunette considered evil ?
When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch ?
How can you tell a brunette is lonely ?
Check her for a pulse
What is the most frustrated animal in the world ?
A brunette rabbit
What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover ?
" What part of 'yes' don't you understand ?"
Why did God create brunettes ?
So ugly men wouldn't feel left out
What do brunettes miss most about a great party ?
The invitation
Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant ?
From their underarms
Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job ?
Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch
How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?
Startled
What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette ?
A hostage
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The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.
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More Billy stuff..
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge
Draft will begin production in Canada this year.
***********
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't
know. I never had one."
***********
If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between
rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you
use?
***********
Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time...?" Bill
Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After I'm elected...'"
***********
Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half
of her prayer has been answered.
************
The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he
is so full of sh.. that he can't fly.
************
Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in Asia are just like
kids everywhere else."
*************
Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe
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Pat was not feeling very well, so he decided to go to a doctor. While he was waiting in
the doctor's reception room, a nun came out of the doctor's office. She looked very ashen,
drawn and haggard. Pat went into the doctor's office and said to the doctor, "I just
saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look
worse."
The doctor said, "I just told her that she is pregnant."
Pat exclaimed, "Oh my, is she?" The doctor responded,
"No, but it sure cured her hiccups."
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Three guys, Bob, Dave, and Michel, found themselves in Hell. Understandably confused at
their present situation, they were startled to see a door in the wall open. Behind the
door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen.
She was short, fat, wrinkled, toothless, had hair all over her body and was incredibly
foul-smelling.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Bob, you have sinned! You are condemned to
spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" At that, Bob was whisked through
the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door
opened. There they saw an even more horrifying woman. She was over 7' tall, monstrous,
covered in thick black hair, and had pointed, rotten teeth.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Dave, you have sinned! You are condemned to
spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!"
Then Dave, like Bob, was whisked off.
Michel, now alone and fearing the worst, felt as if time were slowing to a stop as the
third door finally inched open. He strained to see the figure of ..Cindy Crawford!
Delighted, Neil jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed
in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the booming voice of the Devil say:
"Cindy, you have sinned ... "
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Cultural differences...
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
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Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid assimilation.
Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old ways.
Brits: Encourages immigrants to go to Canada or America.
******
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When Blue Collar workers get together, they talk about football. When Middle Managers get
together, they talk about tennis. When Top Management gets together, they talk about golf.
Logical Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.
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