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Bonjour Y'all
Thought of the day;
Exhilaration is that feeling you get
just after a great idea hits you,
and just before you realize what's wrong with it.
- Rex Harrison
Have a good day
Go check the winter site and sign the guest
book....
Michel
Yes sir!!!!
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking
dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.The
judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd
like to give you a second chance rather than jail
time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show
others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs
forever. "I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to
the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up
drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell
them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like
this...
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and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before
drugs and this (the small circle) is your brain after
drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. And you,
how did you do?"(to the second guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up
drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage
to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach."(draws two
circles)
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"I said (pointing to the small crcle) "this is
your asshole before prison..."
Bad News, for free
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he
hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch
and report any activities that might develop.
A few days later he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house. He come house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she get on train. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she. Shekiss he.
He strip she. She strip he. He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got
married
last weekend.
Wife knows everything.
Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized
experimental procedure,"
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last
chapter of "War and Peace,"
4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct
tape.
5. Annual breast exam conducted at hooters.
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the
instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal
thermometers.
10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning,"
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding
turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on
Mia Farrow's doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to
walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of
Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a
left when you enter the trailer park,"
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of
coverage is "an apple a day,"
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from
Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off,
candy ass,"
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture,
the doctor just French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the"
hypodermic needle is dry.
27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the
pants you gave to goodwill last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an
oversized 2-sided copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
Whether you are a mom who cooks for many, a bachelor who
cooks on rare occasions for himself, or a new college
student who for the first time has his or her own
refrigerator
-- you will eventually all open the fridge one day and say
to
yourself, Can I eat this or will it kill me?
Well here are some guidelines to help you get through the
crisis, so you will know what to eat and what to toss.
THE GAG TEST
------------
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for
leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS
----
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell,
the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS
---------------
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt
is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.
Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look
like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled
milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is
blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that
kind.
MAYONNAISE
-----------
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the
mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS
-------------
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the
defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will
probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time
you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES
----------------
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw
away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on
groceries.Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in
your kitchen.
MEAT
----
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals
from a three-block radius to congregate outside your
house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD
-----
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially
acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the
surface of
any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green
growth areas are a good indication that your bread has
turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR
-----
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
LETTUCE
-------
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the
bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine
lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. (We didn't think
you needed guidance with this one)
CANNED GOODS
--------------
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a
softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS
-------
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS
--------
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES
--------
If it looks like it is ready for planting, toss it.
CHIP DIP
--------
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on
the floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS
-----------------
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an
old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or
have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS:
--------------
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to
discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally
speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you
open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
-----------------------
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life
span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your
refrigerator to gauge this.
Casual Day
Memo No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as
Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.
Memo No. 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate
attire for
Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or
moccasins.
Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning
Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Memo No. 4:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4
p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow.
Attendance is mandatory.
Memo No. 5:
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, the Committee On
Committee's has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task
Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
Memo No. 6:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual.
A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company
Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please
review
the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult
the "home
casual" versus "business casual" checklist
before leaving for
work each Friday. If you have doubts about the
appropriateness
of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative
before
7 a.m. on Friday.
Memo No. 7:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been
discontinued, effective immediately
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