Chinese

    All of us have bad luck and good luck.
    The man who persists through the bad luck -- who keeps right on going --
    is the man who is there when the good luck comes --and is ready to receive it.
     - Robert Collier

           The Top 13 Revelations in Barbara Walters'
                Interview with Monica Lewinsky

13> She just did it all to meet Roger Clinton.

12> "Bill CLINTON?!? All this time, I thought they were saying Bill *CLIFTON*, this guy I met at Starbucks! Hey, everybody, never mind, okay? My bad."

11> Deal with Ken Starr included private "oral deposition" and "lapdance for immunity."

10> Monica admits the President's DNA was on that blue dress, but she swears the stain was already there when she borrowed the dress from Mr. Stephanopoulos.

9> The President was really sorry there wasn't more room under his desk for snuggling.

8> While in the throes of passion, Bill promised Monica Delaware and Rhode Island.

7> The most powerful man on the planet is deathly afraid of teeth.

6> She never actually wore a thong; her size 14 ass just made it look that way.

5> It's damn near impossible to say "fellatio" without an "L" sound.

4> There's a 200-year-old collection of Presidential chewing gum under the Oval Office desk.

3> Pet name for the Presidential appendage: "Little Rock"

2> Things really got confusing when the president suggested she "Take a trip to Mount Vernon."

         and Topfive.com's Number 1 Revelation in
    Barbara Walters' Interview with Monica Lewinsky...

1> She's a vapid, brainless dullard desperate for any pitiful shred of media exposure. And we learn some things about Monica as well.

Like a good Southern Boy!!!
The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or "Hickbonics," as language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. Hickbonics is currently a requirement for graduation at both Texas A&M, UGA and UT.

      The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:
      HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting.
      HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
      Usage: "Heidi, Hire yew?"
      BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
      Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
      JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
      Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
      BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
      Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
      MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
      Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
     THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process.
      Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
      BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
      Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
      IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
      Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
      RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
      Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
      ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.
      Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
      FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
      Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
      TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
      Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
      TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
      Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
      RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
      Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
      FAT - (noun, verb) - a battle or combat to engage in battle or combat.
      Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
      RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
      Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
      FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
      Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed..... must be from some farn country."
      DID - (adjective) - Not alive.
      Usage: "He's did, Jim."
      EAR - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas; Oxygen.
      Usage: "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ear!"
      BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.
      Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
      JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction.
      Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
      HAZE - a contraction.
      Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
     SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".
      VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun.
      Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
      GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
      Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."

A family was all together recently, just hanging around. The sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's
breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"
The bother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?"
To which the father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied,
"You're not pumping hard enough."

ANOTHER FAIL EYESIGHT
---------------------
The old geezer was watching television when he screamed "Mother, git in here right now. You won't believe the perverted thing they're showing on TV."

His wife walked in, took one look, then said "Put your glasses on, you old goat. That's just Castro eating a banana."

Learning Chinese in 5 minutes
English Phrase Interpretation                       (Chinese)
Are you harboring a fugitive?                     Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.                                     Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man                                              Dum Gai
Small Horse                                            Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!                           No Bai Dam Ting!!
Did you go to the beach?                     Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table                Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift                     Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here                              Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed?              Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.   Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet                 Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone.                       No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?   Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright                          Yu So Dum
I got this for free                                     Ai No Pei
I am not guilty                                        Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer.                  Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived                                   Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight                                     Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile                Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive                  Hu Man Go!
Pew! does this bathroom stink!             Hu Flung Dung?

On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said,
"Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty, it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautifully sparkling lakes bountiful with carp and tout ,forests full of elk and moose,high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these nhabitants
Canadians, they shall be known as the friendliest people on the Earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them!"

The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle. He thought and thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the Cardinal next to him, "What's a four letter word, ending in U - N - T that means 'woman'?"
The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn't even bother to look up. "*A*unt, your Holiness."
The Pope didn't speak for a second. "Oh." He paused. "Do you have an eraser?"

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"

The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?". The Indian says, "yes." The
cowboy hands him a five and says, "you're on!"

The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming." The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right!" and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine.
Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, "you're from Montana!"
The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.

The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the mensroom, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "do your stuff!" The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian. The Indian says,
"You're from South Dakota!"

The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from South Dakota?"

The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zipper!"

Yes I love Ya!!!

On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.

"I'll take care of the guidance," she replied. "You pray for endurance."

Three best friends are at the corner bar on a Friday night as usual. One of them is an Italian, one a Black guy and the other is a Jewish guy. They are sitting around drinking some beers, and they make a wager. They bet who can make love to their wife and make her scream the longest. They agree to return next week, and compare.

    Next week, they all arrive at the bar at the usual time with smiles on their faces. The Italian guy can't control himself, he says, " I definitely won, I look my wife out to dinner, I bought her roses, I took her home and made love to her and she screamed for an hour."

    The black guy says "Man, I got you beat, I cooked dinner for my wife, and for desert I poured honey all over her and made love to her and she screamed for two hours"

    The Jewish guy states, " I got you both beat, I made love to my wife for 3 minutes, I pulled out, I wiped my schmeckle on the curtain and she is still screaming!