Bonjour Y'all
Happy Easter to all of you!!!
Gee, The funnies were ready to go and my puter crash....
Thought of the day;
Love 'em for what they are
and forgive 'em for what they ain't.
- Grandpa
Happy Easter
Michel
Thank you to all who went and signed the guest book... I have to think of a better mouse trap if I want to get your butt out there... in case you have remorse click here...
The Top 13
Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician
13> Saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together.
12> Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes back on.
11> "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the hell out of Grandma.
10> Makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his middle finger.
9> Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly racier pulling the "big snake" out of his pants.
8> She closes her eyes, then claims to be invisible.
7> His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister
6> During one trick, screams "Pick a freakin' card already or I swear I'll blow the little birthday boy's head off!"
5> Begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of sweet, sweet love."
4> His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of Coors into "liquid gold" -- eventually.
3> Smoke emanating from more than just the fingertips of The Magnificent Flatulo.
2> Before every trick, tells hostess: "For this one I'm going to need to borrow your bra."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You've Hired The Wrong Magician...
1> Her "magic words" after sawing a volunteer in half?
"Ohshitohshitohshit!!"
13> Saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together.
12> Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes back on.
11> "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the hell out of Grandma.
10> Makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his middle finger.
9> Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly racier pulling the "big snake" out of his pants.
8> She closes her eyes, then claims to be invisible.
7> His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister
6> During one trick, screams "Pick a freakin' card already or I swear I'll blow the little birthday boy's head off!"
5> Begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of sweet, sweet love."
4> His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of Coors into "liquid gold" -- eventually.
3> Smoke emanating from more than just the fingertips of The Magnificent Flatulo.
2> Before every trick, tells hostess: "For this one I'm going to need to borrow your bra."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You've Hired The Wrong Magician...
1> Her "magic words" after sawing a volunteer in half?
"Ohshitohshitohshit!!"
!
Top Ten NAFTA Provisions
10. Canadians can borrow your car anytime they want
9. Mexican workers still get $1.25 an hour, but will also get a
complimentary pair of NAFTA slacks
8. Like it or not, Hillary has to do at least one Letterman show
7. Instead of airbag, Mexican-built Chevrolets will have pinata
6. Al Gore must drink a shot of Cuervo every hour
5. When visiting Mexico and Canada, Americans free to shoplift as
much as they can carry
4. President Clinton has to split his snack time between McDonald's
and Taco Bell
3. Every talk show gets a "Coffee Mountie" to serve guests coffee
2. Deportation of Lorena Bobbitt to Guadalajara
1. "Pesos" now called "Clintos"
Top Ten NAFTA Provisions
10. Canadians can borrow your car anytime they want
9. Mexican workers still get $1.25 an hour, but will also get a
complimentary pair of NAFTA slacks
8. Like it or not, Hillary has to do at least one Letterman show
7. Instead of airbag, Mexican-built Chevrolets will have pinata
6. Al Gore must drink a shot of Cuervo every hour
5. When visiting Mexico and Canada, Americans free to shoplift as
much as they can carry
4. President Clinton has to split his snack time between McDonald's
and Taco Bell
3. Every talk show gets a "Coffee Mountie" to serve guests coffee
2. Deportation of Lorena Bobbitt to Guadalajara
1. "Pesos" now called "Clintos"
Mason-Dixon:
Line that separates y'all from youse.
Line that separates y'all from youse.
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN....
Your potted plants stay alive..
Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You carry an umbrella.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms
and pregnancy test kits.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi &
ho-ho's
'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'm never going
to drink that much again'
Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
work.
You don't get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a
bar.
Your potted plants stay alive..
Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You carry an umbrella.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds.
Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms
and pregnancy test kits.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi &
ho-ho's
'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'm never going
to drink that much again'
Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
work.
You don't get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a
bar.
The Top 13 Little Known Phobias
13."Hey, this is a nude beach! I ain't getting in that cold
water!" -- Shrinkaphobia
12."Get that #$%#-ing vodka bottle away from me!!" --
Carmenelectraphobia
11."He's coming straight for us--with his left turn signal
on!" -- Oldfartophobia
10."You have to push 'Start' to turn the damn computer
off?!" -- Windophobia
9."I won't go to your frat house to eat gyros and watch a
tape of the Israel Philharmonic Orchestra on your old Sony VCR!" --
ThetaFetaMehtaBetaphobia
8."Tonight on Paramount: 'Come quickly Gabrielle! We must
s" -- Xenaphobia
7."NO!! Don't call the plumber!!!" -- Buttcrackophobia
6."No, I don't want to watch 'Friends'. That blonde chick
freaks me out." --
Phoebephobia
5."Uhm, Doctor, why are you putting on that rubber
glove?" -- Probeophobia
4."You're busy Saturday? Well, how about next weekend then?" --
Rentanotherpornophobia
3."It's NOT my imagination! Senator Helms is looking at me
*that* way again!" --
Homophobophobia
2."Wait! If we impeach him, then the new President will
be..." -- aGoreophobia
1."Honey, I bought a Corvette!" - Smallpeniphobia
13."Hey, this is a nude beach! I ain't getting in that cold
water!" -- Shrinkaphobia
12."Get that #$%#-ing vodka bottle away from me!!" --
Carmenelectraphobia
11."He's coming straight for us--with his left turn signal
on!" -- Oldfartophobia
10."You have to push 'Start' to turn the damn computer
off?!" -- Windophobia
9."I won't go to your frat house to eat gyros and watch a
tape of the Israel Philharmonic Orchestra on your old Sony VCR!" --
ThetaFetaMehtaBetaphobia
8."Tonight on Paramount: 'Come quickly Gabrielle! We must
s" -- Xenaphobia
7."NO!! Don't call the plumber!!!" -- Buttcrackophobia
6."No, I don't want to watch 'Friends'. That blonde chick
freaks me out." --
Phoebephobia
5."Uhm, Doctor, why are you putting on that rubber
glove?" -- Probeophobia
4."You're busy Saturday? Well, how about next weekend then?" --
Rentanotherpornophobia
3."It's NOT my imagination! Senator Helms is looking at me
*that* way again!" --
Homophobophobia
2."Wait! If we impeach him, then the new President will
be..." -- aGoreophobia
1."Honey, I bought a Corvette!" - Smallpeniphobia
***ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS***
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/OFFER
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO
SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-FINGER, 1 3-FINGER, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG,
5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
'83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE - 89 CENTS
GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 LBS. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW.
SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT
AWHILE...BETTER BE REWARD.
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK,
WE HAVE IT!"
GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL - HOLDS
2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 CENTS LB.
NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER
PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE
PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR
SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN
AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE.
ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING - $175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
GROUND BEAST: 99 CENTS LB.
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
BAR S SLICED BALOGNA - REGULAR OR TASTY - SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 BOX
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 LB.
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/OFFER
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO
SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-FINGER, 1 3-FINGER, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG,
5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
'83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE - 89 CENTS
GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 LBS. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW.
SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT
AWHILE...BETTER BE REWARD.
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK,
WE HAVE IT!"
GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL - HOLDS
2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 CENTS LB.
NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER
PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE
PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR
SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN
AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE.
ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING - $175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
GROUND BEAST: 99 CENTS LB.
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
BAR S SLICED BALOGNA - REGULAR OR TASTY - SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 BOX
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 LB.
"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
Answering Machine Message:
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
Bumper Sticker:
My kid had sex with your honor student.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Confucius say man who walk through airport door sideways,
going to
Bangkok.
Bangkok.
HOW IS FISHING LIKE A PENIS?
(from a woman's mind)
The small ones you throw back.
The medium ones you eat.
And the large ones you mount!
(from a woman's mind)
The small ones you throw back.
The medium ones you eat.
And the large ones you mount!
When I was in Jr.. high, all I wanted was a girl with big
tits. In high
school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I
decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate
girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried
all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found
a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about
anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an
exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one
thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So
I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an
ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me
and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big tits.
school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I
decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate
girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried
all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found
a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about
anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an
exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one
thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So
I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an
ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me
and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big tits.
