8/27/98

Bonjour y'all

Thought of the day;
If you find yourself in a hole
the first thing to do is stop diggin'
- Unknown Old Cowboy

Have a good day
MICHEL

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The Top 15 Odd Side Effects of Hurricanes

15> Anti-terrorist cruise missile blown off course "just happens" to land on Ken Starr.

14> Drop in barometric pressure causes unexpected Viagra failure and results in a sudden surge in Trans Am purchases.

13> In Florida, howling of winds drowns out howling from Kennedy Compound.

12> Same $100 million hurricane damage in the Carolinas only costs $23.89 dollars in Alabama.

11> Employees at the Olean factory have no problem with orders to evacuate immediately.

10> Pamela Anderson experiences whiplash as breasts fly in opposite directions.

9> Jesse Helms actually observed leaning slightly to the left.

8> South Carolinians can now projectile-vomit over 430 feet!

7> Drop in barometric pressure causes girl-scout cookies to swell so large that they're temporarily worth six bucks a box.

6> Inexplicable changes in Al Roker's magnetic field.

5> Sudden shortage of Springer guests, as incest and promiscuity take a back seat to gettin' the ol' trailer right-side up again.

4> Headlines with the word "blow", but no mention whatsoever of Monica.

3> Pre-storm rush allows supermarkets to finally get rid of old stock of Spam and Zima.

2> Earl the plywood salesman starts tippin' fives at the topless club.

and Top5's Number 1 Odd Side Effect of Hurricanes...

1> White House interns get time off while the President drops his pants and lets nature take its course.
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How Do They Do It???

Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Auto racers do it at pit stops
Bach did it using his organ
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Batman does it using his Robin
Bookeepers do it for the record
Bosses delegate the task to others
Butchers do it with a big fat thumb
Cement workers do it with their crack showing
Chess players check their Mates
Christians do it faithfully
Climbers do it from up on top
Cops do it with handcuffs
Dancers do it step-by-step
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentist do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Divers do it deeper
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Electricians do it without shorts
Elevator men do it up and down
Engineers do it to specifications
Firemen do it with a big hose
Fisherman do it with a hook
Frank Sinatra did it his way
Garbagemen come twice a week
Gardeners do it in the bush
Gas attendants Pump all day
Golfers do it in 18 holes
Jeep owners do it an all fours
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Lots of folks are doing it online nowadays
Managers make others do it
Marketing reps do it on commission
Marines do it with longshoremen
Mechanics do it from underneath
Movers do it in the box
Oil drillers do it with a long greasy shaft
Philosophers do it questionably
Physicists do it with high frequency
Piano players do it with both hands
Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free
Preachers...the devil makes them do it
Programmers do it recursively
Receptionists do it on the front desk
Security guards do it all night long
Union workers do it with pride
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Writers do it by the book
Zoologists do it like animals
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Dear Prez, this is your column...!!!
What do Monica and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
They both blew the big one.
*****
Hillary wants a new Chief of Staff. No one has the job yet, but she hopes to interview Lorena Bobbitt soon.
*****
Did you hear that Clinton has broken the 11th. commandment?
"Thou shalt not place thy rod in thy staff"
*****

What do O.J. and Monica have in common?

1) They're both in a scandal.
2) They both have aching knees.
3) They both have unexplainable stains on their clothing.
*****

What did Bill say when asked about Monica? -- "She brings up the best subjects"
*****
What's the worst thing Bill ever heard during sex? --"Honey, I'm home!!"
*****
The difference between Bill and his dog Buddy is that Buddy chases his own tail.
*****
When Bill walks into a room, the band plays "Tail to the Chief".
*****
Did you hear that Bill is supporting a new math curriculum in our nation's schools? He wants everyone to know that 50 can go into 21 without getting five to ten.
*****
Finally, a Bush has defeated Clinton.
*****
What does Bill tell Hillary after sex? --Nothing, she hears about it on the evening news!
*****
Bill was recently overheard complimenting Monica's appearance. --"She's got the whitest teeth I've ever cum across!"
*****
To which preacher did Bill go for advice?
--Oral Roberts ???
*****
What does Clinton like more that roses on his piano?
--Tulips on his organ.
*****
Bill's nickname for Hillary is, "My little buttercup"
His nickname for Monica? "My little suctioncup"
*****

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, Ted Kennedy get sucked up in a tornado and land in Oz. Al says, "I'm off to see the Wizard to get a new brain." Ted says, "I'm going to get a heart." Bill says, "Where's Dorothy?"
*****

How does Hillary feel?
-- She may be the FIRST LADY, but she won't be the LAST
*****

Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope goes to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as the Pope went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stopped to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.

Clinton: No problem.

Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.

Clinton: Why's that?

Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.

President Clinton: You're a day late.

*****

I was a White House intern and all I got was this stain on my T-Shirt.

*****

After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conference and announced that they had a very successful conference and had agreed on about 60% of what they discussed. When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied: "The Ten commandments."
*****

What was Clinton saying to Monica during their video hug?

I told you to lick my erection, NOT wreck my election!"

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Wesley Snipes has a new science fiction movie coming out called "Blade". Snipes plays the part of a character who is half man, half woman.
Canyou imagine that?
Having to deal with jock itch *and* PMS?
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Wants and needs!!!!

What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.

What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.

What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.

What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!

What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together.

What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzz
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Oh Mama !!!!!

Roscoe and his friend went moose hunting every year without success. Finally, they came up with what they hoped was a foolproof plan. They acquired a very authentic moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then jump out of the costume and shoot the bull. Setting themselves upon the edge of a clearing in their costume,
they began to give the moose "call o' love".

Before too long their call was answered by a bull moose some distance away.

They called again, and the bull answered from somewhere closer.

Again they called, and again the bull answered. Soon he came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

As the bull's pounding hoofbeats got closer, the friend in the front said,
"O.K.! Lets get out and shoot him!"

After a moment that seemed like an eternity Roscoe who's in the rear half of the costume shouted, "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?"

The friend in the front replied, "Well, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you better brace yourself."
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From a blonde reader...
What are the two hardest 5 years in a blonde's life?
Sixth grade.

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Now you know why I like cats...

1. Cats do what they want, when they want
2. They rarely listen to you
3. They're totally unpredictable
4. They whine when they are not happy
5. When you want to play they want to be alone
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim
8. They're moody
9. They leave hair everywhere
10. They drive you nuts

Conclusion: They're like little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.
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Dick Tlacy!!!
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later he received this report:

Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.

No fee.
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Books about sex that were publishing failures:

" THE VEGETARIAN'S GUIDE TO EATING MEAT "

" NEVER BE A STRANGER AGAIN; Candy That Gets Results "

" HOW TO DRIVE YOUR CAT WILD, WITH PASSION "

" THE BIG SCRATCH AND SNIFF BOOK OF SCATOLOGY "

" THE OY' OF SCHTUPING "

" HEAVY PETTING YOUR DOG "

" ALWAYS ON TOP; NECROPHILIA AND FEMINISM "

" GETTING MORE FOR YOUR QUARTER; Sex With The Homeless"
( a.k.a., " MORE BANG FOR YOUR BUCK " )

" BARN YARD ANTICS "

" DAMRODS GUIDE TO MONASTERIES IN THE U.S.A. "

" BALLIN' IN THE FAMILY "

" SWIMMING IN A SMALL GENE POOL "

" WHERE'S WALDO'S DILDO ? "

" GOOD NIGHT MOON, GOOD NIGHT DADDY "

" SUBWAY FROTTAGE "

" YOU'LL NEVER EAT ME IN THIS TOWN AGAIN "

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