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8/25/98 Bonjour Y'all
Thought of the day;
12> If your hair has a smell, it must be that gel. 11> If the coach is a dope, he ought to be choked. 10> If the kids are all crotchety, they must have Tamagachi. 9> If she's loose at the lip, she must be a Tripp. 8> If the Cowboys pay cash, then Irvin didn't slash. 7> If it was written by Carlin, clean your disk out by mornin'. 6> If the talk show stars Magic, it's going to be tragic. 5> If you eat that Olean, your pants won't stay clean. 4> The man's no criminal, if the stain isn't seminal. 3> If your tummy needs Beano, place the blame on El Nino. 2> Only *four* worthless tarts, after Ginger departs.
Signs you work in the 90's Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains. You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist anymore. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock. Ho Honey!!!
During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn.
The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because
he was due to leave the service in two months. As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he
told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he
asked me what my husband did. When I replied that he was a -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At the beginning of a relationship... As the relationship progresses... As the relationship reaches a more stable level... Later... The final stages...
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and
come help me." "Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry,
what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is
that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" "I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were
running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop
your headache." "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one.
I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always
locking three." "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" "I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the
Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." "I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language
that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one
other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." --Jerry Seinfeld "I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."--Ellen DeGeneres "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger
and I realize, Oh my God ... I could be eating a slow learner." "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." "And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A truck!'"
Pete says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it." The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment ..... then you don't make another payment for six months." Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, "Who told you about
us?" My wife and I always hold hands. She was at the beauty shop for two hours. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. My wife will buy anything marked down. Duhhhhhhhh
Qwickies What would you call an aroused Eskimo dwarf? Why are there only 49 contestants in the Miss Ebonics USA pageant? How do you get a nun pregnant? Why does Mexico have a bad Olympic team? What's the difference between O.J. and Pee Wee Herman? Why did God create women? How do you get 99 old ladies to say "fuck" at the same time? Did you hear about the new Jewish porno? Did you hear about the new Jewish game show? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. "No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles, and I've had an awful
day."
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