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Bonjour Y'all
Thought of the day;
Somebody once said that in looking for people to hire,
you look for three qualities:
integrity, intelligence, and energy.
And if they don't have the first, the other two will kill you.
You think about it; it's true.
If you hire somebody without the first
you really want them to be dumb and lazy.
- Warren Buffet
Thank you again,
Have a good day
MICHEL
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Famous summer camps
Tommy Lee's Camp Kickachick
Monica Lewinsky's Camp Suckaweewee
President Clinton's Camp Getahoochie
Ellen DeGeneres's Camp Lickacoochie
Kenneth Star's Camp Catchacrook
O.J. Simpson's Camp Killachick
Lorena Bobbit's Camp Cutaweewee
Tonya Harding's Camp Clubaknee
Susan Smith's Camp Blameabrotha
Pamela Lee's Camp Lottatatas
Michael Jackson's Camp Wannabewhitey
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A DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions,
marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See
"Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say
"focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n.
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a
tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a
noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also
"tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider
yourself lucky to get a card.
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Too much Stress?
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking
too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.
Are they kidding?
That is my idea of a perfect day
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YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING WAY TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN.....
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans.
* Cocaine is a downer.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
* Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You're up to four heart attacks a day.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London.
* You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
* You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
* You think Columbia would be a great vacation destination!
* You're passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize: you left your car at
home!
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Hmmmmm
* Pollution is out of control in the US. Just last week a dam gave way in Mississippi,
but the lake didn't.
- - - - -
* Many a modern miss gets along just fine with her mother-in-law.
She has to, the couple can't afford day care for the kids.
- - - - -
* In the old days young women would put something behind their ears to attract a man; then
it was perfume -- now, it's their legs.
- - - - -
* America is indeed losing the war on poverty...
The Yuppies keep fraternizing with the enemy.
- - - - -
* The US has had a major influx of Mexican doctors. They're easy to spot though.
They write their prescriptions with spray paint.
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* A Yuppie took his wife to Hartsfield for a flight to Miami. He fought his way back to
Dunwoody from the airport, went in the house and read his e-mail.
A note from his wife said she had arrived safely.
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One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his
first meeting with a demon:
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequilai Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then
we drink some more. And if you drink yourself to death, it's okay... you're already dead
anyway!
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world
and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead anyway!
Guy: No shit!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name
it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Hmmm, I never played pai gow before...
Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack.
Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you
overdose, it's okay... you're already dead anyway!
Guy: yeah! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays...
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Help?
Some people in other countries don't understand the US movie rating system. I thought as a
public service, I'd explain it here today:
G - Nobody gets the girl
PG - Somebody gets the girl to undress (at least partially)
R - Somebody gets the girl, but nobody sees it actually happen
X - Everybody gets the girl
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Adam Talks To God
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple and wondered
about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says,
"Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?"
GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvaceous and
tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love
her?"
"Well Adam, No. I did that so that she could love you."
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Whooops!!!
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a
flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
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How is a penis like fishing?
The small ones you throw back.
The medium ones you eat.
And the Large ones you mount!
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On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked
behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine.
An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.
"Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asked.
"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.
The old man asked, "Does that help?"
The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
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