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Bonjour Y'all,
Thought of the day:
FREEDOM
The free man is he who does not fear
to go to the end of his thought.
- Leon Blum
Have a good day...
Michel
The Top 15 Words That Sound Dirty but Aren't
15> dictum
14> joystick
13> Volvo
12> bungalow
11> cowlick
10> toadstool
9> supercalifragelistickexpeeallidouches
8> titmouse
7> holepuncher
6> crotchety
5> kumquat
4> shiitake
3> cockeyed
2> gobbledygook
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Word That Sounds Dirty but
Isn't...
1> Rubbermaid
Insider's Guide To The Male Vocabulary
"Haven't I seen you before?"
== "Nice ass."
"I'm a Romantic.
== "I'm poor."
"I need you"
== "My hand is tired."
"I am different from all the other guys"
== "I am not circumcised."
"I want a commitment."
== "I'm sick of masturbation."
"You're the only girl I've ever cared about"
== "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
"I really want to get to know you better."
== "So I can tell my friends about it."
"It's just orange juice, try it."
== "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my
head."
"She's kinda cute."
== "I want to have sex with her till I am blue."
"I don't know if I like her"
== "She won't sleep with me."
"I miss you so much"
== "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to
look good."
"Was it good for you?"
== "I'm insecure about my manhood."
"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
== "Is my penis really that small?"
"I had a wonderful time last night."
== "Who the hell are you?"
"Do you love me?"
== "I've done something stupid and you might find
out."
"Do you 'really' love me?"
== "I've done something stupid and you're going to find
out sooner or later."
"How much do you love me?"
== "I've done something really stupid and someone's on
their way to tell you bye now."
"I have something to tell you."
== "Get tested."
"I'll give you a call."
== "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs
than see you again."
"I've been thinking a lot."
== "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
"I think we should just be friends."
== "You're ugly."
"I've learned a lot from you."
== "Next!!!!"
Chinese Newlyweds
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets
as her husband undresses.
He climbs in bed next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring,I know dis you firt time and you flighten...I
promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you
want. What you want?"
"I wanna numma 69", she replies.
He responds, "You wanna beef with bloccolli?"
Oh Noooooo!!!!
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for
a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the
results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor
says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time
left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How
long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months?
Weeks? What?"
"Nine..."
Dear Mr. Pope..
While the Pope was in St. Louis he decided to grant
absolution to three sinners.
The first person to come up was Richard Nixon. (Go with me
on this, ok?)
The Pope asked, "What is your sin?"
"I hired people to break into the Watergate
hotel."
The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant
you absolution."
Next in line was Bill Clinton. "What was your sin,
son?"
"I cheated on my wife." The Philanderer in Chief
replied.
"Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and grant you
absolution."
A third person came up and the Pope asked, "What is
your name?"
"Monica Lewinsky."
The Pope stroked his chin. "Hmmmm. Perhaps you should
remain standing .
Signs that you're Canadian
You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
You drink pop, not soda.
You know what it means to be on pogey.
You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a
cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex
and don't want to know if he has!
Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You read rather than scanned this list.
The test!!!
Many women are afraid of their
first mammogram. But, by taking a few
minutes each day for a week
preceding your exam to do the following
exercises, you can prepare for the
test in your own home.
Exercise One:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast
between the door and the main box. Have a strong
friend slam the door shut as hard as possible, then
lean on the door to keep it closed. Hold that
position for 10 seconds.
Repeat.
Exercise Two:
Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of
the cement floor is perfectly chilled. Take off
all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor
with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the
car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until
your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.
Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
Exercise Three:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the
waist, invite a stranger - preferably a large,
humorless woman named Helga - to press the bookends
against the sides of your breast and smash them
together as hard as possible.
Now make an appointment with Helga to meet next
year to do it again.
Congratulations, you are now
properly prepared for your mammogram!
Qwickies!!!
What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
How do you double the value of a Yugo?
You fill it with gas.
What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
Neither of them can stop a Bronco.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Doggy style!!!
DOG PROPERTY LAWS
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's
mine.
3. If I can take it from you,
it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while
ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never
appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something
up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine,
it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's
mine.
9. If you are playing with
something and you put it down, it automatically becomes
mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
1. Both take up too much space
on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears
about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's
bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be
more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate
fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when
you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the
postman.
12. Neither understands what you see
in cats.
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:
1. Dogs do not have problems
expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're
gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when
they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're
jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about
wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with
you --except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease
you can get
from dogs
is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get
from them
is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can
kill the
one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what
"no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:
10. A dog's parents will never visit
you.
9. A dog loves you when you
leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in
the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to
telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at
you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about
the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at
you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers
on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the
happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.
LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:
1. If you stare at someone long
enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2 Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them
know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your
tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a
good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly
greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always
take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from
under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's
not a real kiss.
Have a great day...
Michel
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