9/1/98
Bonjour Y'all
Thought of the day;
Now is no time to think of what you do not have.
think of what you can do with what there is.
- Ernest Hemingway
Have a good day...
MICHEL
Last day to change my email address to michel@fontaine.net
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New Arkansas Dollar Bill...
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Human sexuality
All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.
Because there are only so many cells to go around, the
cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have
to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female.
Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from
the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the
body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize
a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this
means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak.
And some of their cards are in their shorts.
This difference between the male and female brain
manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to
play things like house or learn to read. Little boys,
however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over
their heads and running into walls.
Little girls will think about doing things before taking any
action.
Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look
surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their
little brother who was half asleep and looking the other
way.
This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins.
After puberty, not only the size of the male and female
brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women
think with their heads.
Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where
their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this
problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small
number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly
full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull,
sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as
"Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell
relocation. These men are medically referred to as
"Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive
brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually
referred to as..... "Mr. President."
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Man Bashing day continue....
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both like to chew wood.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your haircut.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what women see in cats.
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Man Bashing, Part II
What Women Should Know About Men
1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming to high.
2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've got sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probaly lies about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
8. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -- "don't" and "stop" (but not used together).
9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.
12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do
the work of five men -- a women.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men --
strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could
still use them!
14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets!
15. Mens brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
16. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.
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Gee.. Guys, run for cover...
Q. Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll
give youlove, affection, tenderness and understanding?
A. It means you're in the wrong house.
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For better or worse....
Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding
anniversary and Sam says to Becky "Becky, I was
wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?" Becky
replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question
now?
You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three, hmmm, well when were they?" he asked as
his face turned red, but realizing he had pressured her...
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you
really wanted to be president of the fishing club .... And
you were 27 votes short...."
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Duhhhh!!!!
Q. What do most blondes get on an IQ test?
A. Drool
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Of course Honey, I will love you forever!!!
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12,
13....."
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Oh My... Oh My .... (was it as good for U as it was for me?)
Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during an orgasm.
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Weekend sales...
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to
the other
"Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this
month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools
away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I
don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking
car."
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For y'all senior citizens....
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
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Bing Bang thank you miss...
The dean of women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said,
"Excuse me, but how do you make it last an
hour?"
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To all the blondes I loved before... dadadada
A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked at him puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F," again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F," another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's
Thursday."
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Any "Granolas" out there?
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
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Oh Canada! Now all rise for the national anthem...
On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said
"Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It
will be a land of outstanding natural beauty, it shall have
tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles,
beautifully sparkling lakes bountiful with carp, trout,
forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over looking
sandy beaches
with an abundance of sea life, rivers stocked with
salmon.."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so
to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these
inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most
friendly people on the Earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think
you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied the Almighty, "just
wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them!"
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This is Really a stick-up !!!
The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly
ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks,
and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind
the counter. One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes
and lay down on the floor facing upwards.
"Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying
beside her......
"This is a stick-up, not an office party!"
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Modern History?
A diplomat was asking Mao Tse-tung some questions after
having been granted a
rare interview.
"What do you think would have happened if Mr.
Khrushckev had been assassinated
instead of President Kennedy?"
Chairman Mao thought for a moment and then said " I
don't think Mr. Onassis
would have married Mrs. Khrushchev."
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