8/24/98

Bonjouur Y'all

Thought of the day;

Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
- Henry Clay

MICHEL
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THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCUSE NOTES FROM PARENTS

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,32 and also 33.

please excuse Lisa for being absent. She as sick and I had her shot.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administration.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he has two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school today CUs he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He has diahre dyrea direthe the shitters.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. he had dirrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday.
She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the Marines.
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Condom Shopping
Recently, I found myself in the position of having to buy condoms. The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the pharmacy clerk for some help. He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow in the dark (assuming you can't find it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing), and more. At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which condom he recommended.

He replied, "The condom made of lamb's intestine has a more natural feel."

I said, "Not to us city boys!"
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Written on the back of a biker's T shirt:

If you can read this
...
........
...........
my bitch fell off
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To all of you who wrote to me about the italian joke last week...
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."
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Hey Boss!!!!
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station...
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AT THE VETS

One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring. After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense. "Sir," she interjected, "do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office?"
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Duhhhhh !!!!
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
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If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
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What has 50 legs and no pubic hair?
The front row of a Hanson concert.
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FOR SALE: 1 set of morals, never used, will sell cheap.
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Q: Why don't the cheerleaders in San Francisco wear short skirts?
A: Because when they sit down their balls hang out.
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Q: Did you hear about the new brand of tires - Firestein?

A: They not only stop on a dime, they pick it up.
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Q: What's considered foreplay in Arkansas?

A: When the man says, "Brace yourself, Linda Lou."

*********************
Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry?

A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.
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Have you heard about the new orgasm pil just approved by the FDA for women?

It comes with a 16 inch applicator !
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Top 10 Shortest Books

10. Human Rights Advances in China
9. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
8. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
7. Al Gore: The Wild Years
6. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
5. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
4. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
3. Everything Men Know About Women
2. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
1. The Amish Phone Directory
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What did Davy Crockett say at the Alamo?
"Where the hell did all these landscapers come from?"
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What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?
They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you.
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The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with
relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds. 'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?' 'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding, has a bottom.'
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The former ruler of Russia and his wife were called Tsar and Tsarina. ...Their children were called Tsardines.
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