Not everything that counts can be counted,
and not everything that can be counted counts.
- Albert Einstein
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting
on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and
grants her three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really
rich." POOF! Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." POOF! She
turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" the fair godmother asks. Just then the woman's cat wanders
across the porch in front of them.
"Oh, can you change him into a handsome prince?" the woman asks. POOF! There
before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She
stares at him, and his mysterious smile makes her knees weak.
He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me
neutered!"
This young man went to the beach in search of girls, and after strolling around
for some time, he wasn`t even getting a glance from any of them. He began to feel kind of
discouraged, and he noticed that they were flirting with the lifeguard.
He walked up to the lifeguard and asked him how he was able to attract so many girls. The
lifeguard said that the secret was to put a potato inside of his trunks. So the next
morning the young man put a potato in his trunks and went back to the beach. This time the
girls were giving him disgusted looks and were turning away from him.
He went back to the lifeguard and asked why it didn`t work. The lifeguard said
"Try it again tomorrow and this time, put the potato in front".
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their
entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored
over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed
that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in
heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier
in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of
Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in
heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear
first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy
intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to
help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd,
pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first
aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and
prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the
shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'll be over
here."
Q- What is the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A- Furballs.
Q- What are the "Toys R Us" franchises in black neighborhoods called?
A- "We Be Toys".
Q- What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex ?
A- Oral sex make your whole day, anal sex make your hole weak.
Q- Why do Greek men wear gold neckchains?
A- So they know when to stop shaving.
Q- How do you know when you've had a good blow job?
A- All the sheets are sucked up your Butt.
Q- What happens when a Jew walks into a wall with a fully erect penis?
A- He breaks his nose.
Q- What's a lesbian?
A- Just another woman trying to do a man's job.
Q- Two men drive into a car wash. Which one is from Alabama?
A- The one on the motorbike.
Q- How can you tell when the Mexicans have moved into your neighborhood?
A- The Blacks get car insurance.
Q- What's the difference between spit and swallow?
A- Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.
Q- Did you hear about the new all female delivery service?
A- It's called UPMS - they deliver whenever the hell they feel like it.
Q- Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A- When you take it off you wonder where her boobs went.....
Q- Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A- Because those men already have boyfriends.
Whooops
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you
will die either by hanging, or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That
all depends, Sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
Have you heard about the new movie Bruce Willis wants to make? He's interested
in playing the role of a man who is planning to commit suicide by overdosing on Viagra.
The film will be titled ... Armageddon Ready To Die Hard.
The Barber Shop
This guy sticks his head into a Zeigelbaum's barber shop and asks, "How long before I
can get a haircut?"
The Sol Zeigelbaum barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The
guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before
I can get a haircut?"
Again, Sol looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The
guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I
can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy
leaves.
Sol looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see
where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing
hysterically.
Sol asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
Steeeeeeve
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the
funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter
his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes
in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his
ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my butt up just one more time."
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