Guys

Thought of the day;

Success is getting what you want.
Happiness is wanting what you get.
- Unknown (Wished I said That)

Sorry guys...

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,
"Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

3 pigs in a blanket

A farmer had three daughters. Being a single father, he tended to be a little over-protective of his daughters. When gentlemen came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them with a shotgun to make sure they knew who was boss.

One evening, all of his daughters were going out on a dates. The doorbell rang, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentleman said,

"Hi, I'm Joe.
I'm here for Flo.
We're going to the show.
Is she ready to go?"

The farmer frowned but decided to let them go. The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentleman said,

"Hi, I'm Eddie.
I'm here for Betty.
We're getting spaghetti.
Is she ready?"

The farmer frowned but decided to let them go. The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A gentleman said,

"Hi, I'm Chuck."

And the farmer shot him.

Too fast for him!!!

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going BOY?!?"
Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over 55?" "93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
gnoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at the Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
he cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?" "I'm an asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?!?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!"
Of course the cop asked, "What does an asshole stretcher do?"
Bob explained, " People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole ?"
Bob nonchalantly commented,
"You give it a radar detector and stick it at the end of a bridge!

Raffle ticket

One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub!"
He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!"

Bud Light anyone?

Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a meeting that had broken up in a fight. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the one man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"

The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

More Viagra stuff..

Do you know where they got the name "Viagra", the new wonder drug for male impotence?

Its from the Spanish "Viejitos Agradecidos"
"VI(ejitos) AGRA(edecidos)"

"Viejitos Agradecidos" ----> "Grateful Old Men"