Hallmark

Bonjour Y'all

Thoughts of the day;

It's not the plan that is important, it's the planning.
- Graeme Edwards

Whoever said,
"It's not whether you win or lose that counts," probably lost.
- Martina Navratilova

How can we accept another to keep our secret
if we have been unable to keep it ourselves.
- Francois De La Rochefoucauld

Have a good day....

Michel

   The Top 12 Indications Your Spouse is Turned On by Politics


12> "Oh yeahhhhh, you found my GOP-Spot!"

11> Giggles and turns red whenever she hears the word "caucus."

10> Approaches perfect strangers and asks if they want to take his "exit poll."

9> She says your chances of having sex tonight have a plus or minus 5 percent margin for error, depending on "party member" turn-out.

8> Enjoys performing filibusters on you.

7> You keep finding pin-ups of Madeleine Albright in his sock drawer.

6> Constantly refers to your bedroom as the "poling place."

5> Her "Hey, Forbes -- put a flat tax on *this*!" T-shirt.

4> She hands you results indicating that although 79% of her is in love with you, 43% percent of her is pissed that you leave your clothes on the floor.

3> AOL screen name is "ILuvGOPCokeMonkeys!"

2> Your web browser suddenly has a bookmark to "www.hotButteredGore.com."

              and Number 1 Indication Your Spouse is Turned On by Politics...

1> Screams during her orgasm, "Paid for by Friends of Bill Bradley!!!"

CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell 'til I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?"

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday---so we're having you put to sleep."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas, Kentucky, Alabama & Tennesee)

A real story

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Three Religious Truths:

1. The Jews don't recognize the Messiah.

2. Protestants don't recognize the Pope.

3. Two Baptists in a liquor store don't recognize each other.

i'M NEW TO THIS. wHAT IS THIS "cAPS lOCK" BUTTON FOR?

El Popa

The Roman Catholic church is in trouble and the Pope goes to the Mafia for a loan. However, before they'll make the loan the Godfather demands
the Pope do something shocking so they'll have some leverage against him later.

The Godfather tells him he must make love to a woman while witnesses watch. The Pope protests, but it's the only way he gets the money, so he
relents, with three conditions. The Pope says, "First dis'a woman she gotta be blind so she can no see who is defiling her body."

"Okay, done." says the Godfather.

"Number two," says the Pope, "she gotta be deaf so she can's no hear what is goin' on."

The Godfather agrees and asks, "And number three?" The Pope grins and says, "She gotta hav'a big boobs!"

Things to make you Hmmmmm

Who is Mike Rosoft and why does the Justice
Department want to break him up?

Definition of an optimist: a woman who loads up the
CD changer before making love.

My wife likes to go through my money and collect those new state
quarters. Unfortunately, she also collects all my $10 and $20 bills.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize that Mercedes and Lexus always
had the right of way in traffic.

When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?

Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If procrastinators had a club, would they ever have a meeting?

If the No. 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still No. 2?

Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between
here and there?

When you go into a hotel, you always see reception. Why do you never just
see ception?

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?

If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra, would they
get a four-legged chicken with its own bar code?

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Why is there always one in every crowd?

If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells
refrigerators?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Two irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and
watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see
a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the
other irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see
that the jews are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...
one of the girls must be quite ill."