|
|
|
Bonjour Y'all... I know, I know, I have been slacking lately... So many jokes.. so few hours.. Thought of the day;
Michel Since everyone who receive my funnies forward them, I am curious to find out how many of you receive my jokes every day. Please drop me a line to let me know and it you have any suggestions or jokes.. go ahead...Make my day. Signs of times... I have an old friend from high school who's been married so many times, she's got rice marks all over her face. Vegetarians eat vegetables - Beware of humanitarians! R.I.P. There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The
man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible
is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. "Fighting for peace is like F&#@ing for virginity" Ammunition for the ladies Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name!!" Woman: "That's in the phone book too." Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." Man: "What sign were you born under?" Woman: "No Parking." Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not Enter" Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized !" Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason" Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?" Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone." Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave." Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy" Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing." Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today." Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account." Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?" The Top 16 Signs Your Gene Therapy Isn't Going Well 16> Six appearances in six weeks sets a new record on the Jerry Springer Show. 15> While your 7'11" height has the NBA calling, that "maximum of two arms" rule ruins everything. 14> "Hey, Four-eyes!" no longer just a cruel taunt. 13> The drooling, twitching, and incontinence are long gone, yet you're *still* mistaken for Pauly Shore. 12> Your HMO declined payment for treatment due to the high cost of silver bullets. 11> You begin regurgitating acid on Geena Davis, and you haven't even seen "Cutthroat Island." 10> You're definitely starting to look like Elvis -- Elvis Costello. 9> You wake up with bloody pajamas, and the morning paper's headline has to do with a rampaging wolf-like creature biting off Karl Malden's nose. 8> You can now count the number of allegations of sexual impropriety against President Clinton on one hand. 7> You regret not being more specific when you said you just wanted to get more tail. 6> Your unicorn horn keeps poking your Cyclops eye. 5> You're now the owner of the world's most beautiful breasts. If only they were in the front. 4> Your desire to return to your ancestral roots has manifested itself in your new hobby of fashioning tools from your own excrement. 3> Let's just say that in the size department, you now give both Pamela and Tommy Lee a run for their money. 2> On your last trip to the zoo, the baboons were laughin' at *your* big red butt. and Top5's Number 1 Sign Your Gene Therapy Isn't Going Well... 1> When someone tells you to "Go screw yourself," you just smile knowingly.
The Ten Commandments (In Ebonics) 1. I be God. Don' be dissing me. 2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib. 3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play that. 4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee. 5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don' dis him neither. 6. Don' ice ya bros. 7. Stick to ya own woman. 8. Don' be liftin no goods. 9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies. 10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin. Tourist in Madrid In a Madrid restaurant, the American tourist asked the waiter to bring him the same dinner being enjoyed by a man at the next table - A large helping of rice smothered in gravy, topped with two hefty meatballs. The waiter explained that this delicacy was served only between five and six o'clock, immediately after the daily bullfights. The tourist, eager to taste the house special, agreed to return at the appropriate hour. Arriving at five the next day, he was quickly seated and served; but to his disappointment, his rice was topped with two tiny meatballs. Calling the waiter over, the American complained, "The meatballs you served yesterday were much bigger." "Si, senior," the waiter said, "But El Toro, he does not always lose." AN IRISHMAN, AN ENGLISHMAN AND CLAUDIA SCHIFFER: There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train , there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. "The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.' And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again .'
Lucky Bastard !!!
There once was a man who had a permanent
erection. No matter what he tried, he just couldn't get it to go down. Finally, he went
down to his local pharmacy where he encountered a female pharmacist. "Excuse me, but
if possible, I'd like to speak to a male pharmacist," he said politely.
The lady replied, "Sir, I can assure you that I'm a professional in every sense of the word. I own this pharmacy with my sister, who is also a professional. Anything you can say to a man, you can say to either of us." The man hesitated for a moment then said, "O.K., you see I have a permanent erection. It just never goes down, and I wondered what you could give me for it?" "Oh, that is quite unusual," she replied, "I'll go into the back and discuss the situation with my sister." After a few minutes, she returned to the counter and said, "Sir, this is the best we can offer you......we'll give you $25,000 and half the business." Resume galore!!! I remembered this little gem from a long time ago.
Below are some examples of mistakes you don't want to make on your resume...
|
Want to do something something real cool and help fight cancer?
|
