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10/6/98 Bonjour Y'all Thought of the day;
Have a good day, Michel ~~~ I cannot tell a lie... ~~~ The Indian chief says to his son, "Son, you push-um outhouse off-um
cliff?" Duhhhhhh!!! What's all the fuss about same-sex marriages? I've been married for years, and I keep having the same sex. Foreign exchange crisis!!! An Asian man walks into the currency exchange
in New York with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in
with 2000 yen, gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week
than last week. ITS JUST A MATTER OF INTERPRETATION When I take a long time, I am slow When I don't do it, I am lazy When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart When I please my boss, I'm brown-nosing When I do good, my boss never remembers Amish Joke [Happily, the Amish are an ethnic group I can actually make fun of without feeling too guilty. The odds are good none of them are going to read this and get offended. ] An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by the two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up between them and entered the small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your mother." TOP CIGAR AD SLOGANS -- These aren't your father's cigars ... -- When's the last time you had a good stiff Cuban? -- Because size really does matter. -- The bigger the hole, the bigger we roll. -- Available in small, medium, and donkey sizes. -- Long enough for a man, but made for a woman. -- Won't leave a mess all over her dress! -- These won't go floppy in your mouth. -- The best thing you'll ever find in a box. -- Cigars... they're not just for oral pleasure any more. And the upfront disclaimer that should accompany any honest cigar ad slogan... -- Batteries not included. Happy B'day !!! There was a fellow talking to his buddy one day. The fellow said, His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So, the first fellow did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'!" "Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts." Spellin' rite An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
* Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'* If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.* Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.* Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.* Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.* Please don't drive when you're not driving.* Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories are related to one another: * We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.* The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave, he's just not crying. Big difference.* When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' will do.* What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.* When I ask, 'How many guys have you slept with?' it would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly.* When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'This is our exit' is not strictly necessary.* When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.* The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.* SportsCenter starts at 11:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.* Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?* If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?* Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.* You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.* Silence does not need to be filled.* It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together.* No, you can't have the remote control.The Top 13 Ways the British Royal Family Can Modernize the Monarchy 13> Lop off Charlie's ears for streamlined aerodynamic styling an increased fuel-efficiency. 12> Trade in Royal Sceptre for a huge foam finger with "Born to Rule" on it. 11> Group appearance on Jerry Springer show on "Inbreeding Monarchies" week. 10> Get Spotted Dick off the royal menu once and for all. 9> Elton John tributes for everybody! 8> Convicted witches now microwaved at the stake. 7> Have the queen wear her tiara backwards and rap her speeches The Notorious H.R.M. Liz Crowny Crown and the RoyL Cru. 6> Upgrade Royal Boombox from 8-track to cassette. 5> www.ourfirstbeheading.com 4> Void left by Ginger filled by the Queen Mum as "Dustfarter Spice." 3> For knighthood ceremony: Out with the sword, in with the head butt! 2> Replace wooden stick up ass with graphite stick up ass. and Top5's Number 1 Way the Royal Family Can Modernize the Monarchy... 1> Two words: Extreme Foxhunting
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