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9/17/98
Bonjour Y'all
Thought of the day;
You and I do not see things as they are.
We see things as we are.
- Herb Cohen
SUNBURNED MICHEL
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Hey you? Are you the manager?
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures
alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively
signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently
caress his beard
which is full and bushy.
"Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands
up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there
anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping
a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
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DATING DICTIONARY
SOBER: condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love
ATTRACTION: the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people
meet.
DATING: the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get
better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will
learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL: avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills,
inserting a diaphram, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.
EASY: a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is
interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a
man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact
that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes
sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as
"playing hard to get."
IRRITATING HABIT: what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people
to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: how attractive a given person appears to be is directly
proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC: a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
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Hey Guys...
TOP 10 THINGS NOT TO DO IN THE NUDE:
10. Fry bacon
9. Arc weld
8. Bathe a cat
7. Operate a snow blower
6. Clear a patch of poison ivy
5. Insulate the attic with fiberglass
4. Operate a lathe
3. Present a children's television show
2. Take Mass with the Pope
And the Number 1 thing not to do in the nude.........
1. Pick up a dime from a San Francisco sidewalk
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More MIcrosoft "Word" tips and tricks...
-open a word document
-type this: I'd like Clinton to resign
-hilight entire sentence
-click on Tools
-click on Thesaurus...
Et Voila !!!!
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Few readers have forwarded some personal travelling experiences....
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or
reported:
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are
fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency
water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the
lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of
the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head
attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video
surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining
in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, alone voice comes
over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults
acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the
best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this
flight...!"
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the
runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at
the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a
"Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he
had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
>From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX,
to
YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small
child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to
have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
Southwest Airlines."
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
"Folks we do apologize for the delay this afternoon, but the machine that we use
to smash your luggage and rip the wheels off is not working right now. But as soon as we
get it fixed, we will put your luggage through and get it on the airplane and be underway,
as always thanks for your patience and understanding"
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REDNECK SEX TEST
1. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False
2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False
3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False
5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False
7. Semen is a term for sailors. True or False
8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False
9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False
10. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False
13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False
15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute. True or False
16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False
17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False
20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False
22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or False
23. Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False
25. Douche is the French word for "twelve". True or False
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Top Ten Reasons I Should've Stayed Single
10. Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.
9. I wouldnt have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with
"those"pants.
8. I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.
7. I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".
6. I'd be painting the town instead of the house.
5. I could show my girlfriend where I live.
4. I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.
3. The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.
2. I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.
1. I wouldnt catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear !
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Fishin' Is Better Than Makin' Love
When you go fishin' and you catch somethin', that's good.
If you're making love and you catch somethin', that's bad.
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Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither.
And want to know how many other fish you caught.
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Fish don't complain if you light up a smoke right after you catch 'em.
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You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends
after you let it go.
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You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler; if you want to catch a woman you're
talking dinner and a movie minimum.
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You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
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Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishin'.
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You don't have to promise to respect a fish in the morning.
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In fishin' you lie about the one that got away.
In lovin' you lie about the one you caught.
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Go ask your dad!!!
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks
in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, they go
into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means
the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina.
That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had
daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.
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The stock market update...
I've just changed brokers--from stock to pawn.
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A CAMEl after sex?
A U.N. Observer is staying for three months in the desert in Algeria.
He asks a Berber in the kamp: "What do you lot do when there are no woman available
for so long?"
"Oh", the Berber says "we take a camel."
"Aha", says the observer, and off he is to the pen. Walking up to a female camel
, he lifts up the tail and with a slightly disgusted look on his face starts shagging the
camel. When he buttons up he notices the Berber looking surprised.
"That's one way of doing it, but usually we just use the camel to get to the nearest
village and get some of the girls there." .
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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
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Q. What do you call a woman who's allergic to latex?
A. Mommy
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then
she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two
plumbers, and a bartender.
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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Q: What does a 90 year old’s genitals smell like?
A: Depends.
************
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
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Useful phrases to know when traveling in the Middle East..
ESPECIALLY TO SUDAN....
CLIP AND KEEP IN WALLET……THESE COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE
AKBAR KHALI KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR GABUL ORADAN DAVAT PAEH CUSH DIVAR
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my
head and my legs apart.
SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFTEH BANDE
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA
JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly
reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN
The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.
TIEKH NUNEH OB KHREELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAS INO BEGERAM
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must have the recipe.
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Sportscaster Marv Albert got married recently. "It was probably the first time that
both the groom and bride were registered at Victoria's Secret."
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Bill Clinton was recently asked whether Paula Jones
was as good a lover as Monica Lewinsky.
His response: "Close, but no cigar."
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THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man
HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs
Muffy the Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66
IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast
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Yassar Arafat's advice to President Clinton:
"Goats don't talk."
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