8/31/98

Bonjour Y'all

Thought of the day;
The time for action is now.
It's never too late to do something.
Carl Sandburg

Have a good day

MICHEL

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Feel free!!!

Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to the other and said, "So what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail"

Then he asked the first guy, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other guys were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."
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So help me God!!!
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.

The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention....."
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MISPRINTS FROM MAJOR NEWSPAPERS

* Grandmother of eight makes hole in one.
* Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing.
* Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.
* Two convicts evade noose, jury hung.
* Milk drinkers are turning to powder.
* Farmer bill dies in house.
* Iraqi head seeks arms.
* NJ judge to rule on nude beach.
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Only here...
A man drives up and parks his car near the Capitol building. Immediately, a security guard rushes out and yells, "Sir! Sir! You can't park your car there, Congress is in session!" The man replies calmly, "Oh don't worry, I use The Club."

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A real Male Chauvinist Pig!!!
A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died.
The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female.
"No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is a female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?"
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Quickies!!!

Q: How can you tell if a man is well hung?
A: When you can’t put your fingers between the rope and his neck.

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Q. How Is Being At A Singles Bar Different From Going To The Circus?
A. At The Circus The Clowns Don't Talk.

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Q. What Do You Call A Gay Bar With No Stools?
A. A Fruit Stand.

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Q. What Happens If You Spend The Night In A Gay Bar?
A. You'll Wake Up With A Queer Taste In Your Mouth.

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Q. What Is The Definition Of Bar Stool?
A. What Davy Crockett Stepped In When He Went Hunting.
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Face lift all right!!!!
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29." "I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
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The Perfect Man (sent from a WSW ISO WSM)

THE PERFECT MAN IS GENTLE
NEVER CRUEL OR MEAN
HE HAS A BEAUTIFUL SMILE
AND KEEPS HIS FACE SO CLEAN.
THE PERFECT MAN LIKES CHILDREN
AND WILL RAISE THEM BY YOUR SIDE
HE WILL BE A GOOD FATHER
AS WELL AS A GOOD HUSBAND TO HIS BRIDE.
THE PERFECT MAN LOVES COOKING
CLEANING AND VACUUMING TOO
HE'LL DO ANYTHING IN HIS POWER
TO CONVEY HIS FEELINGS OF LOVE ON TO YOU
THE PERFECT MAN IS SWEET
WRITING POETRY FROM YOUR NAME
HE'S A BEST FRIEND TO YOUR MOTHER
AND KISSES AWAY YOUR PAIN.
HE NEVER HAS MADE YOU CRY
OR BATTERED YOU IN ANY WAY

TO HELL WITH THIS ENDLESS POEM...
THE PERFECT MAN IS GAY.

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From the same lady!!!

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.
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Hi Babe!!!
A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is so nervous, and he soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him.

When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation with her. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?" She responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He is CRAZED with excitement! Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!!!

"And what do you do at this meeting?" he asks. "Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately.

She proceeds to explain: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers."

"Very interesting....." the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto....Tonto Goldstein.
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