9/4/98

Bonjour Y'all

No funnies for 10 days.... :-(
I will be in California
(where is my suntan lotion and my anti-earthquake insurance???)

Thought of the day;
Our doubts are traitors,
and make us lose the good we often might win,
by fearing to attempt.
- William Shakespeare -

Have a good labor day week end

MICHEL...
It will take you a week to read all the Funnies....

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Hey Bill.... this one is for you ...

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The Top 13 Reasons You're Having Trouble Finding a Job

13> You list "smokin' weed" as a hobby on the job application.

12> Instead of shaking hands, you ask them to "pull your finger."

11> All your answers are whispered into your ear by your sock puppet, "Socky."

10> You're not willing to risk being downsized since you're not so sure it really doesn't refer to your penis.

9> In your zealousness to pad, you claim 10 years of Java and 15 years of HTML.

8> After your interview tantrums, so-called "Equal Opportunity Employers" don't seem to be buying your "Tourette's Syndrome" excuse.

7> "Slashed co-workers with a broken coffee mug" doesn't look as impressive on your resume as you thought it would.

6> Even though Yanni sells all those records, there's no job market for "masters of the pan flute."

5> Small-minded employers find "alien abductions" unacceptable explanation for gaps in work history.

4> Too much time during your interview spent discussing your jihad, not enough on how you would perform as the new personnel counselor.

3> You show up at each interview wearing an aluminum foil suit "just in case of enemy attack."

2> Apparently, the high-priced-gigolo-to-Daycare-worker transition is one of the tougher ones.

and Top5's Number 1 Reason You're Having Trouble Finding a Job...

1> Still busy looking for the real killers.
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One down... a million to go..

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his
precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You yuppies all you think of is money, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!" --
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This is called, diarea.. no sorry diahrhea... no I meant dhiarea.... the shitters..
It has come to the attention of researchers that a previously unanticipated reaction results when Viagara is taken along with Ex-Lax. Both products tend to act together and magnify the effects of the other.

The end result is that you end up both coming and going at the same time.
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Things Men Need To Know

1. The reason our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually CHANGE our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl.

3. If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding. We're watching because of the butts.

4. If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.

5. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

6. Don't fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than once a day.

7. Please don't drive when you're not driving.

8. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

9. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths that you take.

10. If you were really looking for an honest answer you wouldn't ask in bed.

11. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubbernecking at miniskirts.

12. If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track of "who's easy?"

13. Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DON'T CARE!

14. Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life: You'll never see the island coming.

15. Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.

16. Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.

17. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.
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What women REALLY want!!! (From Dennis Miller)

Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt in the kitchen, Brad Pitt around the house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad Pitt when they're sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall' combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil. ( not too treathning...)

Okay.... here is the list for all you guys...

1. Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
2. If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
3. Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.
4. Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at...say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo!!!!!!!!!
5. This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny. Think ABOUT IT!!!!!!
6. When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.
7. Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.
8. Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.
9. Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.
10. When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.
*****
Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

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I portion of racist jokes.... (Hey.. i'll be gone for 10 days)

What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages?
Trilingual
What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages?
Bilingual
What do you call someone who speaks 1 language?
An American
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Q: Why do American 18-year-olds take sex education courses?
A: So they can learn what they've been doing wrong for the past five years.
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Q: What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
A: In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer.
In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
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Q: Why don't Brits get hemorrhoids?
A: Because they are perfect arseholes.
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Q: Why are there 2 X's on Dos Equis beer?
A: Every Mexican needs a co-signer.
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Q. What's the definition of a maniac?
A. A Frenchman in a whorehouse with a credit card.
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Q: How is an Italian hearse different from a regular one?
A: In an Italian hearse, the body is always in the trunk.
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Q: How can you recognize an Italian airline?
A: The planes all have hair under their wings.
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Q: What is another name for an Italian with a war medal?
A: Thief.
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Q: Why do birds fly upside down over Poland?
A: Because there's nothing worth shitting on.
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Q: What do you call the owner of a Polish-made car?
A: A pedestrian.

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God shave the Queen.... (sent from UK)

The Queen and Di were out for a drive in one of the Queen's Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leapt out of the bushes and stopped the car.
"Give us your money," they shouted at the Queen.
"But I'm the Queen of England; I have no need for money."
"Oh, shit," said the leader of the armed band, and turned to Di. "Give us yer jewels."

"But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions."

The armed robbers looked fed up, when suddenly they heard the sound of wailing sirens approaching. "Quick, out of the car. We'll have the Range Rover at least!"

And with that the robbers drove off. As the Queen and Di waited for the police to get there, Di turned to the Queen. "What did you do with all the cash you had? You're always loaded."

"Ah," said the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little private place that women have." Reaching under her skirt, she produced several thousand pounds in notes.

"And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewelry, my dear," the Queen said to Di.

"Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have." Reaching down, she plucked out her jewelry.

They both sat quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turned to Di.
"You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have that Range Rover."
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My Bumper Sticker...
Dyslexics have more fnu

Bill Clinton's Bumper Sticker
Make Love AND War

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Yo.. I'll take ET
Steven Spielberg's latest movie has brought rise to a possible sequel.
Picture this: A young soldier is wounded and brought to a military hospital, a la Mash.
A beautiful French nurse prepares him for surgery.
Of course they fall in love, he recovers and they live happily ever after.
Oh yes the movie should be called, ... Shaving Ryan's Privates.
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The History of Medicine

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
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Dadadada!!!!
KARAOKE is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"

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Hey Bubba...
Q. How can you tell if a redneck is married?
A. There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
*****
Q: What do you call a redneck who hasn't slept with his sister?
A: An only child.

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Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy -- will you let me be yours? -- Susan

Now, let's change only the punctuation, and see what happens......

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? -- Yours, Susan

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Q & A...

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw

Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
A: Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.

Q: What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A: Money

Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job will still suck.

Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A: She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.

Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as substitute meat.

Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year!

Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A: A bellybutton!

Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
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