My man is ...

Bonjour Y'all

Thank you to all who have written to wish me well with my back problem.

To the others who wonder if I will walk again.... I am not ready to sell my used Nike.

Thoughts of the day;

For, he that expects nothing shall not be disappointed,
but he that expects much --
if he lives and uses that in hand day by day -- shall be full to running over.
- Edgar Cayce

The difference between perseverance and obstinacy
is that one often comes from a strong will,
and the other from a strong won't.
- Henry Ward Beecher

I glory in this world of men and women, torn with troubles,
yet living on to love and laugh through it all.
- Carl Sandburg

Have a good week end

Michel

Hello !!!!

A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains.
She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?"
"Your horse phoned."

But... It smelled so good!!!

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was
applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped."

Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked. car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "there isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

.... Before and After Marriage:

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before - Twice a night
After - Twice a month

Before - She loves the way I take control of a situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Ricky & Lucy
After - Fred & Ethel

Before - Saturday Night Live
After - Monday Night Football

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.

Before - The Sound of Music
After - The Sound of Silence

Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune
After - Jeopardy

Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It IS a nightmare.

Before - $60/dozen
After - $1.50/stem

Before - Turbo-charged
After - Needs a jump-start

Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria's Secret
After - Fruit of the Loom

Before - Feathers & handcuffs
After - Ball and chain

Before - Idol
After - Idle

Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?

Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - Croissant and cappuccino
After - Bagels and instant coffee

Before - Oysters
After - Fishsticks

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?

Before - Romeo and Juliet
After - Bill and Hillary

The Top 15 Signs Spring Break Has Arrived

15> Cars on Florida freeways reach speeds in excess of 17 mph.

14> Earth's rotation shifts slightly, as 80% of the world's beer converges on Florida.

13> State troopers all over the country stand in front of their mirrors, drawing their radar guns and saying, "Do you feel lucky, punk?"

12> George W. Bush goes from being vague about the issues at Bob Jones University to getting right to the point at the beach with some Notre Dame co-eds.

11> Portable toilets replace technology stocks as the big gainer on the NASDAQ.

10> Residents of Ft. Lauderdale and Panama City start Scotch-Guarding everything, including pets.

9> The average age in Florida dips all the way down to 72.

8> Weatherman's latest forecast for South Padre Island? 95% chance of meaningless sex with random people.

7> Daylight Savings Time ends; Moonlight Puking Time begins.

6> Live from Lake Havasu City, MTV is proud to bring you "Undressed, Unconscious and Unprotected."

5> A naked Ted Kennedy causes a brief stir when confused tourists attempt to save the senator by pushing him back into the sea.

4> You get to see breasts without that pesky two drink minimum and constant tipping.

3> J.C. Penney holds its annual "Thong and Bong Sale."

2> White trash teenage crossdressing vampire nuns on Jerry Springer suddenly sporting bitchin' tans.

and Number 1 Sign Spring Break Has Arrived...

1> You wake up behind a 7-11 in Daytona with a goat and a Barbie doll, reeking of marmalade -- and your first thought is "Not again!!"

What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)

1.    Handsome
2.    Charming
3.    Financially Successful
4.    A Caring Listener
5.    Witty
6.    In Good Shape
7.    Dresses with Style
8.    Appreciates the Finer Things
9.    Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)

1.    Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2.    Opens car doors, holds chairs
3.    Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4.    Listens more than he talks
5.    Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6.    Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7.    Owns at least one tie
8.    Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9.    Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10.   Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)

1.    Not too ugly - bald head OK
2.    Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3.    Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4.    Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5.    Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6.    Is in good enough shape to rearrange the     furniture.
7.    Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8.    Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9.    Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10.   Shaves on most weekends

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)

1.    Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to   appropriate length
2.    Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3.    Doesn't borrow money too often
4.    Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5.    Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6.    Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7.    Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8.    Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9.    Remembers your name on occasion
10.   Shaves on some weekends

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)

1.    Doesn't scare small children
2.    Remembers where bathroom is
3.    Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4.    Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5.    Doesn't forget why he's laughing
6.    Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7.    Usually wears some clothes
8.    Likes soft foods
9.    Remembers where he left his teeth
10.   Remembers when...

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)
1.    Breathing

Red Buttons, appearing on Dennis Miller's Show, announced he was 80
years old but that 80 is not "old." Red explained:

"Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.

"Old" is when the porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis".

"Old" is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just
holds
you up to the light.

"Old" is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens
the garage door nearest your car.

"Old" is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

"Old" is when you enjoyed the Big Band Era: Sioux, Iroquois, Apache,
Crow....

"Old" is when your wife says "let's go upstairs and make love" and you
answer "Honey, I can't do both!"

Conversation over dinner:

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with
pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: Shit.

Kitty Care: How to Bathe a Cat
1. Thoroughly scrub the toilet and flush several times.

2. Spread several old towels around on the bathroom floor.

3. Fill toilet with warm water and add the required amount of pet
    shampoo to the warm toilet water. Have both lids lifted.

4. Obtain and soothe the cat while you carry it towards the
    bathroom.

5. In one smooth movement, drop the cat in the toilet and slam both
    lids closed. You may need to stand on the lid so that the cat
    cannot escape. The cat's efforts to free itself will generate a
    great deal of sudsing and washing motion. Drink beer while waiting.

    CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge of
    the seat as the cat's paws will be frantically reaching out for any
    purchase they can find.

6. Flush the toilet three of four times. This provides a "powerwash and
    rinse" which I have found to quite effective.

7. Jump off toilet seat, dash out of the bathroom and slam the door
    securely shut. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and
    run wildly around the bathroom shedding much of the excess water on
    the towels you placed in step 2.

9. Leave the cat to sulk and dry itself. Drink beer while waiting.

Sincerely,
THE DOG

><><><><><><><><><><><>

Kitty Care: How to Give a Pill to the Cat

1. Pick the cat up and cradle in the crook of your left arm as if
     holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
     side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
     holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into it,
     allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind the sofa. Cradle cat
     in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
     paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back
     of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
     partner in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
     rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold
     head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
     Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
    Make note to get new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
    shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just
    visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw; force
    cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pills not harmful to humans, drink glass of
    water to take taste away. Apply plaster to partner's forearm and
    remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed and get another pill. Place cat
    in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
    mouth open with dessert spoon and flick pill down throat with elastic
    band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
    Apply cold compress to cheek and check for date of last tetanus shot.
    Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road and
    apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
    the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg
    of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed and pry
cat's
    mouth open with a small spanner wrench. Push pill into mouth followed
    by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a
pint
    of water down throat to wash down pill.

14. Get partner to drive you to hospital and sit quietly while doctor
    stitches fingers and forearms and remove pill remnants from right eye.
    Call at furniture shop on way home to order new dining table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if
    they have hamsters for sale.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL: Wrap it in bacon.
Yours truly,

FIDO

Hmmm

The ultimate hypocrisy: Larry King, married eight times, questioning
Darva Conger about how SHE made a mockery of marriage.

If you're too stupid to keep your firearms away from
children, you should have neither firearms nor children.

Had it been invented any place other than Alabama it
would be called a teethbrush.

Someone please tell me how Ronald Reagan became America's "Darling,"
after leaving this country in one of the biggest econominc messes it had
ever experienced; and yet Clinton is called a "dog, liar, thief," and
the country is probably in better shape economically and socially than it
has ever been?

William Shatner doing "Freebird" for Priceline? Kill me now.

I stopped at two gas stations today. I robbed the first, so I could pay the other.

I saw a great card. The picture is of an 80-year-old man
at his wedding to a 30-year-old. Front says, "They say
she married me for my money." Inside says, "Like I care

Q. What's the difference between people who pray in church and
those who pray in casinos?

A. The ones in the casinos are really serious!

Top 10 Songs for People Over 40:

Let's Get a Physical

Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough

Johnny B. Olde

How Do You Mend a Broken Everything

The Lack O' Motion

Hair Potion Number Nine

Doctor My Eyes (And Ears and Joints and Back and ...)

To All the Girls I've Disappointed Before

A Hard Day's Nap

Knock Knock Knockin' on the Bathroom Door