Bonsoir Y'all
It will be Christmas in few minutes, I hope you will have the time to reflect on the year that came and went.... Love, health and success for all.
Thoughts of the day;
"If the sun always shines, there's a desert below. It takes a little rain to make love grow." - Unknown
"The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're alive." - O.A. Battista
"My love for you is like a flower It grows with love and sunshine" - Unknown
"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own" - Robert A. Heinlein
They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel. - Carl W. Buechner
"An apology is the superglue of life: it can repair just about anything." - Unknown
"Love means never having to say you're sorry." - Erich Segal (1937-)
"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late." - Henny Youngman
"Let us endeavor to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry." - Mark Twain
To all 89,987 of you, I wish you and your family a Merry Christmas.
Michel PS. To all of you who are in hospitals and alone on this day. We are all with you in thoughts. Remember to smile, it is the second best thing you can do with you lips. Take this Christmas day and be someone sunshine and and make him/her laugh. It cures many ailments.
I am back... sorry if you have not receive the Funnies for a while, computer problem and to ad insults to injury my listserv was down and I sent it to myself only... sorry.
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Microsoft Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
Quake III for Billy, and Quicken for Dan, And a Pokemon game for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom, To: santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com
Which has now been re-routed to Washington State Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates. All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare, St. Nick has become a dot-com billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, Because Christmas now requires at least Win95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. "Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through!"
"It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist. Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package is a picture of Santa himself."
"Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme, And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"
And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright, "Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"
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I considered atheism,... but there weren't enough paid vacation days!
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T'was the day befor Christmas...
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven.
On entering they are told that they must present something "Christmassy." in order to get in. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is let it.
The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" To which he replies, "Oh, They're Carol's."
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El Santa is coming
Twas the night before Christmas and all through la casa Not a creature was stirring; !Caramba! ?Que pasa? Los nin~os were all tucked away in their camas, Some in vestidos, and some in pijamas, While Mama worked late in her little cocina, El Viejo was down at the corner cantina. The stockings were hanging con mucho cuidado, In hopes that St. Nicholas would feel obligado, To bring all the children, both buenos and malos, A nice batch of dulces and other regalos. Outside in the yard there arose such a grito That I jumped to my feet like a frightened cabrito. I ran to my window and looked out afuera, And who in the world do you think that it era? St. Nick in a sleigh and big red sombrero Came dashing along like a crazy bombero! And pulling his sleigh, instead of venados Were eight little burros, approaching volados. I watched as they came, and this quaint little hombre Was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre: "!Ay, Pancho! !Ay, Pepe! !Ay, Cuca! !Ay, Beto! !Ay, Chato! !Ay, Chopo! !Ay, Maruca y Nieto! Then standing up tall with his hand on his pecho, He flew to the top of our very own techo. With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea, He struggled to squeeze down our old chimenea. Then, huffing and puffing, at last in our sala, With soot smeared all over his read suit de gala, He filled all the stockings with lovely regalos. He turned like a flash and was gone like viento, And I heard him exclaim--and this is verdad-- "Merry Christmas to all! !Feliz Navidad!
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Amen Oy !!!
In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami. "Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a small room for two weeks." "I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied." Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out. "What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room." "Not so fast, Madam. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed." "Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic." "I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?" "Jesus, Son of Mary." "Where was he born?" "In a stable." "And why was he born in a stable?" "Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!"
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Once upon a time
Once upon a time, long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a cute little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?" And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree....
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Q: Why is Santa so jolly? A: he knows where all the bad girls live!
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