Old Man

Bonjour Y'all

I hope you had a Happy Easter, Happy Passover or simply a nice weekend.

Thought of the day:

You can tell more about a person by what he says about others
than you can by what others say about him.
- Leo Aikman

Have a good week

Michel

Daylight Savings Time

It's time for the annual reminder about DST:

Remember, when you go to bed tonight, to set your clocks AHEAD one hour.

If you're a Republican, set your clocks BACK forty years!

Hi! Mom?....

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'"
Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being
positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

Good Neighbours

Carl Rowen, the black reporter and columnist, tells about when he moved into an affluent white neighborhood years ago. A few days after the move, he went out and mowed the lawn.

The man next door (who didn't realize a black family had moved in) came over and said, "Hey, it looks like you're doing a good job. I need somebody good to mow my lawn too. How much are they paying you?"

Carl Rowen said, "They aren't paying me anything, but I get to sleep with the lady of the house."

Anagrams..

An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. No letters can be used twice or left out.

The following ones are exceptionally clever (someone out there either has *way* too much time on their hands or is deadly at Scrabble):

      Word/Phrase                     Anagram
-----------------------------------------------------------

Dormitory                           Dirty Room

Evangelist                         Evil's Agent

Desperation                        A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code                     Here Come Dots

Slot Machines                      Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity                            Is No Amity

Mother-in-law                       Woman Hitler :)

Snooze Alarms                      Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness                        Genuine Class

Semolina                              Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries         Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point                    I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes                     That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two                      Twelve plus one

Contradiction                        Accord not in it

                This one is *truly* amazing

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
                                   ........Neil Armstrong, on the moon

ANAGRAM:

"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On
to Mars!"

And a final one, a perfect accompaniment to the impeachment trial. You're
not going to believe this:

"President Clinton, of the USA"

ANAGRAM:

"To copulate, he finds interns"

What is it about management?

I work for myself and even MY boss is an idiot.

5 Stages of Drunkenness

Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know Everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Keep in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person aout any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage,because of course you're still SMART, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are also the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people whom you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you're SMART, you're RICH and Hell, you're better looking than them anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people whom you fancy, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you - and because you're still SMART you know ALL the words.

Atlanta, expensive? Nah!!!!

Arriving at an upscale hotel in Atlanta, the traveler said to the desk clerk, "I'll have the hundred dollar suite my good man."
The clerk reached under the counter and handed the man a large candy bar.

It Was A Tall Task....

A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in. "Get a load of her," says the mouse, "I fancy that!"

"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her. Within five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night.
The next day, the lion is in the bar and the mouse staggers in. The mouse is absolutely ragged, worn out, ruined. The lion helps his pal up onto a stool, pours a drink down his throat and asks, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe. What happened after that? Was she all right?"

The mouse says, "Yeah, she was really something else! She invited me back to her place to spend the night."

"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion.

"Well", says the mouse, "Between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!"

Old Man Villager

A western reporter goes to Armenia to write articles about that land. He meets an old man in a village and asks him about any memorable events in his life.

The old man says "well one time my donkey got lost, so me and my neighbors got some vodka and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the donkey. Then we drank the vodka and one by one started screwing the donkey, it was a lot of fun."

The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story. The old man said: "well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some vodka and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the vodka and one by one
screwed the neighbor's wife. It was a lot of fun."

The reporter, feeling frustrated, told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.

The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said:
"Well, there was that one time I was lost........"

Glib comments & questions about contemporary life

I have what no millionaire has: no money!

I think Jerry Springer has been moonlighting as a mediator for the Balkans.

To my husband's mistress: I am the one who will get dressed up on Sunday and go visit the five kids. Think about it

Rich people trouble: "Honey, do we tell others that we own two Lexuses or two Lexi?"

I fell like I'm parking diagonally in a parallel universe.

My daugher is a `90s kind of gal: She faxes me to say she just sent me an e-mail. Then she calls to make sure I got the fax.

I see the State Legislature got its raise and my grandchildren are still going to school in trailers.

Next year I'm going to winterize my lawnmower properly.