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9/24/98
Bonjour Y'all...
Thought of the day;
Every man alone is sincere.
At the entrance of a second person,
hypocrisy begins.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Have a good day
MICHEL
PS Thnak you for all the jokes that you have sent... Keep'em coming...
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True preparation for parenthood at ANY age:
Lesson 1
1. Go to the supermarket.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2
1. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents
and berate them about their...
* Methods of discipline
* Lack of patience
* Appallingly low tolerance levels
* Allowing their children to run wild.
2. Suggest ways in which they might improve:
* Their child's sleeping habits
* Toilet training
* Table manners and
* Overall behavior.
Enjoy it--it will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Lesson 3
To discover how the nights will feel...
1. Walk around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing
approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound)
playing loudly.
2. At 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3 AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4AM.
9. Put the alarm on for 5AM.
10. Get up. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed,
4. Then, rub them on the clean walls.
5. Cover the stains with crayons.
How does that look?
Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this --all morning.
Lesson 6
1.Take an egg carton
2. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator.
3. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper.
4. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas
candle.
5. Last take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Pops.
6. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Lesson 7
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. And don't think that you can leave it out in the
driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the cassette player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.
Lesson 8
Get ready to go out.
1. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour.
2. Go out the front door.
3. Come in again.
4. Go out.
5. Come back in.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette butt, piece
of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and
stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Lesson 9
Repeat everything at least, if not more, five times.
Lesson 10
Go to the local supermarket.
1. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child.... a full-grown goat
is excellent.
2. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
3. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
4. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy.
5. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 11
Feeding your baby
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by
pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap...the other half just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.
Lesson 12
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles, and Disney. Watch nothing else on T.V. for at least five years.
Lesson 13
1. Move to the tropics.
2. Find or make a compost pile.
3. Dig down about half way in and stick your nose in it.
Do this 3-5 times a day for two years.
Lesson 14
Make a recording of Fran Fine (The Nanny) saying "Mommy" repeatedly.
Important...
No more than a four second delay between each "mommy"
Occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required.
Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with an toddler.
Lesson 15
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve, or elbow while
playing the tape made from FOURTEEN above.
3. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the
room.
Lesson 16
Put on your finest work attire.
Pick a day in which you have an important meeting.
1. Take a cup of cream, and put 1/4 cup lemon juice in it.
2. Stir.
3. Dump it on your nice shirt. Also, saturate a towel with this mixture.
4. Attempt to wipe it off with this towel.
5. Do NOT change. You have no time.
6. Go directly to work.
Lesson 17
Go for a ride, but first....
1. Find one large tomcat and six pitbulls.
2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3. Put the pitbulls in the front seat of your car.
4. While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat.
For the really adventurous...Run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop.
GOOG LUCK
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Howdy Doody Mam..
There was this cowboy from Texas who decided to do a little traveling and when he got
as far north as Kansas City he was feeling pretty horny so decided to stay a while.
That evening he hailed a cab and asked the cabbie about houses of ill repute, so the
cabbie took him to one that he knew well.
After choosing a suitable looking gal they went upstairs and on the way the girl
commented on how tall the man was. The cowboy said everything from Texas was big. After
getting undressed and the girl had taken a good look she said I can see what you mean
about everything from Texas being big.
"Yes ma'am" said the cowboy , " I mean everything."
After they had finished their business and were getting dressed the cowboy asked
"By the way ma'am, what part of Texas are you from?"
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Hmmmm!!!!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
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Fries with that?
At a local college, there was a dance.. this guy from America asked the girl from
Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says,
"In America, we call this a hug."
She says, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call
this a kiss."
She says, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
A long time later, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and
proceeds to screw her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich."
She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but...we usually put
more meat in it."
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Yesssir!!!
A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his father, saying that he is really
frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months later he gets leave and
goes home.
His father asks, "So, how did the parachute jump go, Son?".
Son replies, "Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My
drill Sgt. comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to
either jump out of the plane or he was going to "do me" with his 12
incher!"
Father says, "Well, Son, did you jump?".
"Just a little at first" said the son.
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BUMPER STICKER:
My kid had sex with your honor student.
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MORE BASEBALL PLEASE!!!
This sign was held by a fan at Milwaukee County Stadium.
Cubs vs Brewers September 22, 1998
MacGwire 65
Sosa 63
Lewinsky 69
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WANTED:
Meaningful overnight relationship.
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OUCH!!!!
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says,"7 feet tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch penis, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings
him to, slapping his face and shaking him, "What's wrong with you?"
In a very weak voice the little guys says, "Excuse me, but what did you say to
me?"
The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, and my name is Turner Brown." The small
guy says, "Thank God
I thought you said 'Turn around'".
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Where do I sign
Vice President Gore and the Clinton's are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al,
chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now
and make someone very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out
the window and make 10 people very happy."
Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could
throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you
out the window and make the whole country happy."
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Oh Oh !!!!
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the
Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the
room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from
letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
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Fries with that? part II
A Chinese couple get married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked
under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be
reassuring: "My darling, I know this is your first time and you are frightened. I
assure you, I will give you anything you want, I will do anything you want. What do you
want?"
"I want number 69" she replies.
"You want beef with broccoli?"
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Definition:
"Racism" - A pigment of your imagination.
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Dry Quote of the Week."
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist---"
General John B. Sedgwick's last words, 1864
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