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8/30/98
Bonjour Y'all
Here's the Sunday edition...
Thought of the day;
Character is made by what you stand for;
reputation, by what you fall for.
- Robert Quillen
Have a good week end....
Michel
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Ride'em sister...
Two nuns decide to spend their holiday touring France on bicycle. On the first day, they
ride for hours through the beautiful countryside, enjoying the green grass and rolling
hills, exploring parts of the country they had never seen before. Finally they arrive at a
quaint village and, bouncing on their seats, they navigate through the cobbled streets to
the center of town. When they stop to rest the first nun says to the second, "I've
never come this way before."
The second nun replies, "It was the cobblestones!"
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Hmmmmmm
Life is like a fan.
You stand in front..it blows,
you stand behind...it sucks,
and when you stand to the side it doesn't do anything.
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Things Not To Say to Your Pregnant Wife
17. "I finished the Oreo’s"
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl"
12. "Darned if you ain't about 5 pounds away from a surprise visit from that
Richard Simmons fella. '
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea.
Boy, that's gotta hurt!"
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today!"
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
.. and...
1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger..........."
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Top 10 Reasons For Not Being…..
French
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
2. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time (old Joke)
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on PBS.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of
national pride
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not
American :
1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still be president
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can have a President who has sex with everybody.. as long as he doesn't inhale...
English:
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
2. Warm beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh or Scottish
Italian:
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers
Spanish:
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
6. Honesty
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your
life in front of bulls
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles
9. Gibraltar
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
German:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. In-built sense of pacifism
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NOW I KNOW
*Yesterday I knew nothing,----Today I know that.
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Blob Blob Blob
One day a blonde went to a sea food resturant and saw the tank where they kept the
lobsters. She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse. Later she went to
the woods to set the poor animals free.
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Yikes...
"I must take every precaution not to get pregnant,"
said Sherri to her best friend June.
"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," June responded.
"He did. ANnd that's why....
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Another softy....
A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some.
"How hard is it?" she asks.
"About as hard as my dick," he replies.
"OK, then pour me some!"
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Yahooooo
Q: What's the difference between a sewing machine and a lady jogging?
A: The sewing machine has just one bobbin.
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I Love NY
New Yorkers are a breed apart. A man was mugged but had no cash. Afraid he'd be hurt, he
offered to write the guy a check. The mugger said dumbfounded, "A Check ? Why would I
take a check from you ? I don't even know you !"
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Ain't dat de truth...
In a lot of Southern towns, the influence of the Baptist Church is felt in many different
walks of life. For example, sexual relations between two unmarried adults is illegal. It
seems they felt it might lead to dancing.
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7 WAYS TO TELL A REDNECK HAS BEEN WORKING ON A COMPUTER
7. The monitor is up on blocks.
6. The six front keys have rotted out.
5. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
4. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
3. The password is "Bubba."
2. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
1. The keyboard is camouflaged.
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GOD PLANS A VACATION
God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation.
Got any suggestions where I should go?"
St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and
warm there this time of the year."
God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts
my back."
"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"
"No way!" God about screams. "It's way too hot for me there!"
"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going
down to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went There, had
an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking About it!"
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