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Bonjour Y'all
I hope you are having a good week end.
Thought of the day;
Many a man thinks he is buying pleasure,
when he is really selling himself to it.
- Benjamin Franklin
Have a good day
Michel
PS, I have a new mail program... Click Here and let me know if you can read the Funnies
without problems
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13 warnings that the FDA is considering placing on alcohol bottles:
13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are
not.
12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over
and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really
dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to
your pants.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see
something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on
the forehead.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Kerry.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum,
whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally
"disappear".
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
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Wedding Night Pratical Jokes
Irv and Esther were planning on getting married. Seeing how they didn't have much money
to go on a honeymoon, they decided to just go back to their new apartment after the
wedding.
The groom had three close friends, that were prone to committing practical jokes. One
being a carpenter, the other a businessman, and the third a dentist.
They all decided to pull practical jokes on their newly married friends.
The carpenter decided he would cut the slats in the bed so that when they climbed into
bed, the bed would collapse. The businesman decided to short sheet the bed, so that when
they got into it their feet wouldn't reach the bottom. The dentist chuckled and wouldn't
tell anyone what he planned to do.
A week later the 3 friends all received letters in the mail. "Dear friends, we
didn't mind the fact that when we got into bed, the bed collapsed, or the guy that short
sheeted it, but I'm gonna kill the bastard that put the Novocain in the vaseline!"
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Redneck wives
Marry Lou and Peggie Sue were on the field, harvesting some carrots for lunch. Marry Lou
pulls out of the ground a giant carrot, at least 17 inches long, very thick, earth flowing
down from it's many secondary roots.
"See, Peggie Sue, this carrot's EXactly like my man's dick!"
"My oh my, Marry Lou, is Bubba's dick THAT big?"
"No, Peggie Sue, but sure is THAT dirty!!!"
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Some things that Melrose Place has taught us....
(Steve... pass this on to Vicky, would you ?)
If your significant other leaves town for more than a week, sleep with whoever you
want. After all, you can't be expected to wait around forever.
Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding! You should do both, often.
A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire, curl up with a
good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of straight vodka.
Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face, really hard.
Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!
If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't convenient, fake your
own death.
Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding again!
Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship.
When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure to shut the door
tightly on your way out.
Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking ... or have a lot of
money...or unless you can gain something from it in some way...or...oh hell, go ahead and
date drug dealers.
Don't get too close to people in comas because sometimes they wake up and try to choke
you.
If you get fired, get drunk.
Always call your ex-wife "baby."
If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your shirt and do it by
the pool.
Randomly insult the people around you.
Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be judgmental.
Sometimes they'll commit you to an asylum where you'll be bound in a straightjacket and
heavily sedated.
If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even better job at twice the
salary.
A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked you best.
Another good way is to sleep with her husband a few times.
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Things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say:
Duct tape won't fix that.
Wrasslin's fake.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
Actually, unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.
She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
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Management by goal ....
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's
dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to
admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this
silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He
stands erect and booms out,
"I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint
Peter consults his list.
He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the
Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was
a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached,
people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
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Hmmmmm!!!!!
Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts. Our society
should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic material while
pretending it has some redeeming social value under the public's 'right to know'.
-- Kenneth Starr, 1987, "Sixty Minutes"
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CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU WILL NEVER SEE
"You Were an Accident"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of
North Amer ... Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Strangers have the best Candy"
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Breaking news.... breaking news...
The makers of Viagra have announced a plan to use proceeds from the sale of Viagra to
finance the development of a pill for women that will make elderly men desirable.
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The Top 12 New Menu Items if Fast Food Chains Merged
12> Whoppita
11> McDouble-Trouble Famous Starr
10> Long John McFlounder
9> Soylent Green
8> Jack's-Whopper-in-Wendy's-Box
7> Hooter's and Haagen-Daz present "The Lewinsky Dairy Treat"
6> The Colonel's "Special Sauce"
5> Burger King and Dairy Queen: Together, at last
4> I Can't Believe It's Not Carcinogenic!
3> McDonald's and Chick Filet proudly offer... The "Big Pecker"
2> Wendy's Pair o'Whoppers
and Top5's Number 1 New Menu Item if Fast Food Chains Merged...
1> Biggie Thighs
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