Single's Prayer

As reported by an expert on the mammary subject

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE 1
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE 2
Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE 3
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again. You are now properly prepared.

Dear NRA

    NOTE FROM MICHEL: For our readers not living in the USA, the National Rifle Association (or NRA) is an organization which vigorously supports the notion that all adult Americans -- except "convicted violent criminals" -- have the right to own handguns and rifles.

  The Top 14 Seminar Topics at the Scaled-Down NRA Convention

14> Impressing Jodi Foster 101

13> Releasing Stress By Blowing Away Defenseless Animals: A Primer

12> Paramilitary Chicks and How To Nail 'Em

11> Membership Drive 2000: Got Nutz?

10> Self Defense: Fleeing From Difficult Questions, Parts 1 - 20

9> Knife-Throwing, Archery, and Axe-Wielding: Staying Occupied During that Pesky 7-Day Waiting Period

8> Speed Reading and the Second Amendment

7> Sports Hunting with Semiautomatic Weapons, Like the Founding Fathers Intended

6> The Law and You: How to Kick a Liberal Pansy's Ass -- Legally!

5> Do Guns Kill People, Or Do People Kill People?
    Who The Hell Cares, Let's Go Shoot Something!

4> Corvettes and Wife Abuse: Other Ways to Compensate for Your Small Penis

3> Trigger Locks, Seatbelts, Fluoridated Water and Other Communist Plots

2> Hollow Points: Analyzing the NRA Charter

       and Number 1 Seminar Topic at the Scaled-Down NRA Convention...

1> *Really* Concealed Weapons: You'll Get My Gun When You Pry It from My Cold, Dead Rectum

Why It's GREAT To Be A Guy...

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, all the time.

This experience was shared by one of our readers...

Women and bathing suits...

I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child, the bathing suit for the woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure.
Boned, trussed, and reinforced, those swim suits were not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a darn good job.

Today, stretch-fabric bathing suits are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure chipped out of marble. The woman with a mature figure has little choice. She can either front up at the maternity wear department and try on a floral costume with a skirt and come away looking like a hippopotamus that has escaped from Fantasia - or she can wander around any run-of-the-mill bathing costume departments and try to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluoro rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around. I made my choice and disappeared in to the small chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.

The first thing I noticed about the bathing suit was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra that goes into bathing suits was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets by a sling shot. And it comes with the bonus that as long as you can lever your body into a lycra suit, you can protect your vital organs from shark attack; the reason being that any shark foolish enough to take a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer from jaw whiplash injury.

I fought my way into the first suit but as I twanged the last shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror. My bosom had disappeared. I found one cowering under my left armpit. It took a little longer to find the other - flattened
beside my 7th rib. The problem is" today's suits don't have bra cups.

The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump. I realigned my speed hump and turned to the mirror to make a full-view assessment. The suit fit all right. Unfortunately it only fit those
bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out of the top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of playdough wearing an undersized piece of cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all these extra bits of me had come from, the sales girl poked her head around the curtain. "Oh, there y'all are," she gasped.

"Yes, they are ALL me," I replied, looking at the extra bits. "What else have you got?"

I tried on a crinkled cream one which made me look like designer tape. I tried on a floral two-piece which made me look like an oversized napkin in a napkin ring. I struggled into one of leopard skin with a ragged frill and ended up looking like Tarzan on an off day. I donned a black one with a net midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning, and I tried on a pink one whose legs were so high cut I would have needed to wax my eyebrows to
wear it!

Finally - success. I found the one that fit. A two piece with a short style bottom and halter neck top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge friendly.

I bought it. When I got home I read the label: "Material may become transparent in water." I am determined to wear it. I just have to learn how to do the breaststroke on dry land.

(Merçi Francine)

Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say

10. Here Honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? Now that's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Honey, since we don't have anything else planned, can you go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes I just want to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Awww, forget Monday Night Football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.

Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say

10. What do you mean, today's our anniversary?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd just rather watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!
7. And for our honeymoon, we're going fishing in Alaska.
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not there.
2. I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!

BLIND DATE

A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on a Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.

So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

He really latched on to a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's
wrong, Dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Wousy," said the girl.

Hmmmm!!!

Serbian TV gets blown up once a week and gets back on
the air in six hours. My cable company gets a wire cut and is
off the air for three days.

Saw on the back of a biker T-shirt

" If you can read this.... my bitch fell off"

The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good, spit it out.

Single Woman's Prayer

     Now I lay me down to sleep.
     Please don't send me no more creeps.
     Please just send me one good man.
     One without a wedding band.

     One good man who's sweet as pie.
     Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie.
     Who dresses neat and doesn't smell.
     And is sexy like my man Denzel.
     Is super-rich like Michael J.
     On second thought, that's okay.

     Man, if I should die before I wake,
     that would truly take the cake;
     No matrimony or honeymoon.
     No fancy reception planned for June.
     No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
     Please, God, don't let me go out that way.
     If I die before I meet Mr. Right
     I won't go out without a fight.
     But then again with my luck,
     He'd probably be just some schmuck.

     The single life is not that bad
     I know it's just a passing fad.
     I won't be blue. I will not frown.
     Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
     No more makeup, won't comb my hair.
     So never mind this stupid prayer.

     The single life will do just fine.
     So what's up, girlfriend?
     IT'S PARTY TIME!!!!

Bumper Sticker:

Honk if you're illiterate.

Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

What does an atheist say when she's having an orgasm?
"Darwin! Oh, Darwin!"

Here is a poem written by an African Baird,
Dear Mzungu (White Man)
Couple of things you should know,
When I born, I black,
When I grow up I black,
When I go in sun I black
When I cold , I black
When I scared I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die. I still black.
You Mzungu, when you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red,
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow,
When you sick you green,
And when you die, you gray
And yet, you have the cheek to call me - coloured!!!!!!!!!!!!