Bonjour
Y'all
Great
week to all.
Thoughts
of the day;
If the dogs are barking at your heels,
you know you're leading the pack.
- Unknown
you know you're leading the pack.
- Unknown
Even a stopped clock is right twice a
day.
- James Joyce
- James Joyce
Discipline is the bridge between
goals and accomplishments.
- Unknown
The best helping hand that you will ever
receive
is the one at the end of your own arm.
- Fred Dehner
Keep your face to the sunshine
and you cannot see the shadow.
- Helen Keller
"Democracy is a form of government
that
substitutes election by the incompetent
many
for appointment by the corrupt
few."
- George B. Shaw
Have a good week
Michel
Here are some of the classic
questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web
site, and the witty answers.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia?
I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the
person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their
IQ drops any lower...
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in
the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much beer you've
consumed...
Q: Which direction should I drive -
Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my
eyes? (Germany)
A: Excellent question, considering that
the Olympics are being held in Sydney.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney -
can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles,
so you'll need to have started about a year ago to get there in time for
this October...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the
bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: And accomplish what?
Q: It is imperative that I find the
names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: I'm not touching this one...
Q: My client wants to take a steel
pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? (South Africa)
A: Why? We do have toilet paper here...
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia?
(UK)
A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the
rest of us...
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia?
(France)
A: No. Everybody stinks.
Q: Do tents exist in Australia?
(Germany)
A: Yes, but only in sporting supply
stores, peoples' garages, and most national parks...
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia?
(UK)
A: This HAS to have been asked by a
blonde...
Q: Can you tell me the regions in
Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population?
(Italy)
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in
Australia? (France)
A: Yes. At Christmas.
Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier
Reef? (Germany)
A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.
Q: Are there killer bees in Australia?
(Germany)
A: Not yet, but we'll see what we can do
when you get here.
Q: Can you give me some information
about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: What's this guy smoking, and where do
I get some?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and
is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: Another blonde?
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in
Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: I love this one...there are no
rattlesnakes in Australia.
Q: Which direction is North in
Australia? (USA)
A: Face North and you should be about
right.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys'
Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Americans have long had considerable
trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.
Q: Are there places in Australia where
you can make love outdoors? (Italy)
A: Yes. Outdoors.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most
places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it
first.
Wise teacher
A high school English teacher reminds
her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any
excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack
or a seriouspersonal injury or a death in your immediate family - but that's
it - no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room
raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from a complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle
their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
sympathetically at the student and shakes her head, and sweetly, says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand".
Laws for you and I..
"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you
had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap,
always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people,
they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger
starves last.
"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who
doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly
distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in
the past tense.
"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person
who knows what is
going on. That person must be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.
"Law of Drunkedness"
You can't fall off the floor.
"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it
exists.
"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and
opposite government program.
"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way
programmers wrote
programs, then the first woodpecker that
came along would have destroyed civilization.
Save the hat...
The old lady was standing at the railing
of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in
the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do
not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in
this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady,
"I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you
must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in
earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at
the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Not so boring sport...
Who the boss?
A married man left work early one
Friday afternoon. Instead of going
home, however, he squandered the
weekend (and his paycheck) partying
with the boys.
When he finally returned home on
Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of
cursing from his furious wife.
After a couple of hours of nagging and
berating, his wife asked,
"How would you like it if you didn't see me
for a few days?"
"That would suit me just
fine!" the husband shouted.
Monday went by, and the man didn't
see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday
came and went with the same
result.
Come Thursday, the swelling went
down a bit and he could see her a
little, just out of the corner of
his left eye.
The Top 15 Reasons to Vote for Patrick
Buchanan for President
15> Reform party? I thought it was
the Reefer party!
14> You're tired of the way George W.
Bush coddles criminals.
13> It would be pretty cool to cast
20% of someone's total votes
by yourself.
12> Because when Pat wants to get
oral in the Oval Office, it'll
be Oral Roberts.
11> Conservatives and Liberals have
had their day -- it's time
to give the Intolerants a chance!
10> Unlike everybody else, you're
going to vote for the *greater*
of all evils.
9> You were going to vote for
yourself, but you forgot to sound
out the names first and pulled the lever
next to the wrong
name starting with "BU."
8> Swayed by a passionate last-minute
endorsement speech by
your local Klan leader.
7> Because maybe, just *maybe*, it
would make Rush Limbaugh
shut the hell up.
6> Because he's Hitler-riffic!
5> If Clinton can build a bridge to
the 21st Century, why can't
we build a moat back to the 12th?
4> "Votin' For Bush" sounds
too much like a slang term for that
nasty sin where you godlessly pleasure
yourself.
3> You actually wanted to cast a
write-in vote for David Duke,
but forgot how to spell his name.
2> You left your tinfoil hat at home
and the voices are getting
louder.
and Number 1 Reason to Vote
for Patrick Buchanan for President...
1> Because once that damned Ricky
Martin is sent packing,
*you'll* get all the ladies!
.
