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Bonjour Y'all
Thought of the day:
In a controversy the instant we feel anger
we have already ceased striving for the truth,
and have begun striving for ourselves.
- Thomas Carlyle
Have a good day...
Michel
MARRIAGE ENCYCLOPEDIA
Ad seen in the The New York Times last week...
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britanica 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.
PS... I wanted Mrs Right... He got Mrs Always Right !!!
Types of Women in the Powder Room
Indifferent - Rushes in, raises dress with a
"whoop", pulls crotch of panties aside and squats
with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to
bob up and down. Hums lively tunes and sounds like a
bucket of water being poured from a third story window.
Cautious - Has heard of so many girls
contracting VD from toilet seats that she straddles bowl,
leans over to flush, pees on her nylons.
Worried - A week past due.
Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers. Uses
toilet paper, examines it hopefully. Peers into toilet
before flushing, sighing deeply. Walks out biting nails
after forgetting to wash hands. Resolves never to go to bed
drunk again.
Conceited - Approaches toilet with undulating
movements, giving the other girls high-fives. Raises
dress by fingertips. Expression while peeing indicates that
such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to
such lowly duties. This type farts louder than a firecracker
and stinks like a goat.
Sloppy - Skirt drags in toilet while
squatting, pees all over front of toilet seat, never uses
toilet paper, drags her business all over seat, forgets to
flush and emerges with back of skirt caught in pants.
Timid - Looks under stall door to see
if anyone else is in the can, turns on faucet full force,
backs up to toilet, squats quickly, flushes for constant
flow of water, coughs, hums, listens intently to learn if
sound other than faucet can be heard. Ends up with loud
fart, walks out blushing.
Cross-Eyed - Sits on one cheek on the
side of the seat and pees all over the floor. Usually wears
rubber boots on her visits to the can, and carries a box of
Kleenex in her purse.
Frivolous - Lets stream go in little squirts
to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat".
Literary - Always takes book of the
month to the can with her. Blames "Forever Amber"
for her piles.
Big Time - Always leaves toilet door
open while she chats and brags to the other girls about the
guy she "had" last night. Shows girls her panties
with black lace edging and "Welcome" embroidered
in the crotch. Has never been to bed with a man. Lives in
Massachusetts or New Jersey.
Drunk - Wobbles to toilet. After
several attempts, manages to raise dress. Squats on toilet
with shrieks of laughter, pees for a while singing happy
little songs. Suddenly starts sobbing uncontrollably as she
realizes that she forgot to pull her panties down. Sighs,
continues to pee and sob.
Best bar pick-up line in Arkansas:
"Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad."
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Ya Might Be a Redneck If....
... You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same
tree to relieve yourselves.
... You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked
inside your pants.
... You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a
fly swatter.
... You've ever stolen toilet paper.
... Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
... There's an expired license plate hanging on your living
room wall.
... You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks
you to check his oil.
... You think the Bud Bowl is real.
... You think "six to ten pounds" on the side of
the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.
... You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the
high dive.
... You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
... Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
... You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and
they don't want it.
... Your chili's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
... Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
... You have a refrigerator just for beer.
... Your lawn furniture used to be your living room
furniture.
... You come back from the dump with more than you took.
... The trunk of your car is tied down and you're not
hauling anything.
... You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans
rather than hem them.
... You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
... Your Fourth of July cookout has been ruined because
someone got drunk and burned the Spam.
BTW...
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is
willing to learn from them.
Dear Abby,
I've been going out with this girl for a couple of weeks now
and I really like her and want to take the relationship to
the next level. I have one problem though. On
our first date she told me she was sick, but I can't
remember if she said she had TB or VD. What should I
do? Lovelorn, Portland, OR
Dear Lovelorn:
If she coughs, fuck her.
Insanity is hereditary,
you get it from your kids.
Junk: Stuff we throw away.
Stuff: Junk we keep.
The abolition of Euro trade barriers in 1996 meant that
all cars will now be of German origin. To this end the
following list of GERMAN MOTORING PHRASES:
1. Die BlinkenLeiten Tickentocken = Signal Indicators
2. Pullknob und KnuckleChoppen = Auto Hood ( Bonnet)
3. Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben = Exhaust
4. Das Kulink mit Schlippenundshaken = Clutch
5. Der Phlatt mit Bloody fukken = Puncture
6. Der Twatten mit Elplatz = Learner driver
7. Das Bagsaroomfurshagginkin = Estate car
8. Der Flippenflappenschitspreader = Windshield
wipers
9. Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen = Seat belt
10. Das Buch fur Aresewipen = Highway code
11. Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden = Headlights
12. Der Pedalpuschinpilloken = Cyclist
13. Der Fukkengratentrucken = Truck
14. Der Bananwaltzen = Skid
15. Dast Fukkennearenschitzenselfen = Near accident
Q. Did you hear about the
new Jewish game show?
A. The Price Is Too Much.
*******************************
Q. Did you hear about the new
Jewish porno?
A. Debbie Does Nothing.
Thought for the Day: If women can have PMS, then
men can have ESPN.
NATIONAL ORGASM WEEK
Organizers of the first "National Orgasm Week"
held this year were very disappointed with the results
obtained. It seems at least three-quarters of the
women polled just pretended to celebrate it and the
remaining ¼ celebrated it over and over and over.
Ouch!!!!
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says,
"Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says,
"Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor
whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends
him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel
great.
What should I do?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."
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